Swirly

2007-01-25T03:06:00.000+08:00

I went for an interview late Tuesday afternoon and was offered the job. I was told that I should be prepared to start on Monday.

The job offer left me troubled and after a talk with Rozi, I decided that I will not take up the job. If I profess to be a Christian, I will not take up a job that will require me to be dishonest about where I was working. If I profess to be a Christian, I will not take up a job that will put my integrity and Christian values in a state of compromise or doubt.

Though I must admit that the bait dangled in front of my eyes was quite pleasing and for a moment there, I was fooled into thinking that it was not that bad a thing to do.

Ah Wei, I couldn't tell you the name of the company because I was attempting to hide it from you. And anyone else who asked.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

A talk with Rozi helped to sort the job search thing a bit. I have been trying to get jobs that I'm not qualified for, nor have the experience to do. What I am trained for and have experience to do has been something I refused to do. Haha!

I wanted to do what I wanted to do because of the glitz and glamour factor. It was soley for me and my vanity that I wanted to do what I wanted to do. But now that I realized it, I will put on the correct perspective for this job search.

Thank You God for Your patience with me. I realized that I have been drifting away and acting like a child who has been deprived of too much over the years. I'm sorry. I will come back to You. Thank You for Your patience with me.

2007-01-12T17:55:00.000+08:00

It's another rainy, cold, dreary day. I still want a cuppa hot cocoa, a good companion for this Friday evening. -_-"

I've been sick for the whole week, thanks to a bout of flu. Mostly lethargic and bed-ridden. No visit to the doctor's though. Haha! Just self-medicated with Panadol and anti-histamines to give me plenty of bed-rest. ;) Not to be done by everyone though.

Restlessness will drive me to my grave. *sobs*

I've not done much active job-searching this week because of the flu. And I've yet to receive any responses from the companies I sent my resume out to last week. Waiting, waiting, waiting. *shakes head*

Before my confidence dips to an all time non-existent low, I pray that a suitable job will happen soon. I don't like living like this. It's so...meaningless.

We've started a study on the book of Daniel. Will need to finish reading Chapter 1 before Sunday's sermon.

I'm also reading Possession, by A.S. Byatt.

I saw the movie in 2002 and I think I might have gotten the book around that time. Lol~ I just never gotten around to reading it because it's a thick book. :P Click here to refresh your memory about the movie ^-^

I tried searching for the movie on Video Ezy online but I couldn't find it. I was also searching for this but couldn't find it. According to Rozi, it's not so easy after all. Haha! :P

*sighs* I'll make do with a cuppa hot cocoa and my book instead. :(

2007-01-07T00:27:00.000+08:00

They were fighting loud enough for others to hear.
"What do you mean I'm never there for you?" He yelled.
"I can't talk to you. You are always like this." She retorted.
*bang stuff*

Sighs. I get frightened by tiffs like that. He frightens me. The loss of control over his emotions reminded me of myself not too long ago. I can get like that too...and I'm frightened by myself when I get like that... Even if we share the same DNA, it doesn't mean I will turn out just like him. I am made to be me, Esther Marikea Tan, lovingly fashioned and created by God.

To be in a relationship, one has to be emotionally stable. One also has to have a healthy amount of self-esteem that doesn't require validation from his/her partner. My self-worth and esteem comes from God and God alone.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I have double standards. Anything he does, I'll be, "Ok la...yeah...ok." I guess the main thing is - he's not doing it to me. *shrugs* Whoever you will be in time to come, you have to accept that he's my good friend and no matter what he does, he can do no wrong in my eyes, except if he breaks my heart. Haha! ;)

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Prayed for 3 opportunities in the very thick Recruit section of Saturday's edition of The Straits Times and viola! there were 3 advertisements that I responded to. Thank God! ^-^ I've already done my part by sending out the resumes and I can only pray for a suitable job to come my way really soon!

Through these days, I have realized that I am not one who can duduk diam diam, ie. I can't sit still for a period of time. I am quite an energetic person and I will literally wither and die if I were to be in a state of inactivity, like Friday night. -_-"

Today I made a choice not to go to Amanda's chalet because I was too lazy to go out. But then Nick called and we both hitched up to go together. Stayed a little while for a game or two of UNO and came back. Didn't stay for the sabo session which had me quite creeped out by the mention and sight of the things involved. Urgh...

I thank God that He has restored my raging emotions mostly and I'm ready to move on to pick up where I left off with Him. He has given me such a crystal clear perspective on things that I was just too soaked up in my own world to see and I need to be able to act according to what He has shown me. May He grant me the grace necessary.

So while emotions return to normal, I know my journey ahead with Him will be anything but normal. Haha! Judging from the last coupla years, I will be very thankful if things would stabilize down somewhat! Those who have been with me will bear witness to how things have been! ^-^

Thank You for being so good to me, Lord. Amen.

2007-01-06T01:09:00.000+08:00

Thought to self when I wake up: God who owns everything is not stingy in giving me the best things that He can possibly give. He will give me a job that is suitable for the strengths, weaknesses, preferences, inclinations, interests that He has created me with. There is a job out there waiting for me! In time He will lead me to it!

So my next TCU with Dr Tan is in 10 weeks' time! Yipee! That's a great thing! :) Pray along with me! :)

On another note, I was led to believe that there was going to be a movie date which would definitely rescue me from the boredom that was literally killing me. Until I received the message that said - I meant for you to go alone. I'm going to work. Sorry pal. -___-"

Zoooooo! How could you be so cruel to me?? *sobs* I was literally dying of boredom at home on a Friday night. Gosh! I was playing online mahjong which gave me a real headache, and online pool that I kept getting thrashed by the computer. *bleah*

We didn't make it for the movie last night coz something else came up that we had to settle. So I travelled all the way to Dhoby Ghaut only to have dinner at Long John's Silver and a bus ride back. *bleah*

Aiyah, I only want to watch a movie! Why is it so hard ahhh? *tears out in frustration*

2007-01-03T22:54:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord, forgive me for the times I've wandered from You and thought that a life away from You would bring me the fun, joy, happiness, love that I want and need for this lifetime. Forgive me for the myopia I've had with regards to how I view myself and for how I've given myself far less worth than You have given me. Forgive me for doubting Your love for me when You have already done so much and have given me so much more than I ever deserve.

Thank You for Your patience with me that continues to see me through my tantrum-throwing moments/ days/ periods and that patience which means You don't ever give up on me, ever. Thank You for Your love that is safe and stable like a harbor that I can always return to, no matter how far I've sailed or wandered.

Thank You for the precious lessons that You have taught me and brought me through in 2006 and even the years before that. I am in awe when I look back and reflect on how You orchestrated my life even before I knew You. I am in awe when You consider me worthy enough to want to make me right even though I feel like the most unworthy person most of the times. I am so thankful that You pulled me out of the miry clay and considered me worthy enough for You to want to shape and mould me into the masterpiece that You have planned for me to be.

Thank You for taking interest in me, in lil' ol' me when You prolly have like tonnes and millions of others to take care of as well. Thank You for Your love for me, even when I've turned self-serving and forget all about my grander purposes here on earth. Thank You for forgiving me of all the sins (of commission and omission) that I've committed, whether consciously or not.

Thank You for preserving my life so I can see my purpose here on earth unfold before my eyes. Thank You for considering me worthy enough to want to journey through this life (and beyond) with me. Thank You for the friends who have stood by me through my moments of defiance/ deference/ rebellion/ stubborness/ MIA-ness.

Thank You for showing me my worth through their eyes and through Yours. Thank You for teaching me that I am a precious one in Your sight and that I should not waste my affections/ time/ emotions on any more toads until You bring the right one to me, and I to him.

Thank You for all the wrongs that I've had to go through to cherish the rights. Thank You for so much awareness that You've brought my way so I can understand myself as Your masterpiece so much better. Thank You God.

And as the rest of 2007 continue to unfold, I pray for Your blessings in the following areas:

1. A suitable full-time job that will utilise my strengths. Lord, thank You for the lessons that You have taught me regarding the work issue. Thank You for the clarity that I now have with regards to the work issue in my life. Thank You that You will bring me to a suitable job, a place of green pastures which You have prepared in advance for me. Teach me to wait upon You as You show me where that place is.

2. To look forward and to leave the past behind. What has already happened in the past is gone and can hurt/ affect/ bother me no more. This includes the guys who have broken my heart in major ways over the past years. Lord, I leave all those with You. You have taught me to be wiser when it comes to such matters and I pray that I will put the lessons that I've learnt through much pain and tears to good use.

With regards to work, I pray that I will continue to gain confidence in my ability to go into a full-time job. I pray that I will leave the past in terms of my bad employment history behind and move forward with You as You lead me to a suitable job. Let me put all the bad choices in the past behind so I can move forward with You, Lord.

Things/ people that could have been aren't. And I want to leave them as such, Lord. If I keep dwelling on the past, I cannot move forward to the future with You, and for You. Lord, in Jesus' name, I leave all my past baggages behind. I hereby renounce any and all association and hold they have on me, in Jesus' name. Amen.

3. Unsavory habits I've reacquainted myself with in 2006. I break their hold on me in Jesus' name!

Thus said, I present myself as a clean slate before You Lord Jesus, washed by Your precious blood and the redeeming powers of Your love and grace. I present myself as Your willing instrument for the days ahead. I lift myself and I give myself into Your hands Lord and allow You to lead me to greater heights that I've never even imagined.

Mould me, use me,
Teach me, fill me,
Lead me, take me,
Show me, love me.

God bless!

2006-12-24T23:19:00.000+08:00

一路向北
南拳妈妈
马里士他
日本拉面
欧南园地铁站
黑色轿车
新加坡武装部队
吉他
键盘
劳明达地铁站
~ * ~ * ~

我不需要你的道歉来让我知道那一切都不是我幻想出来的。那一切都是真实的。

我一路向北
离开你的季节

我现在就选择放开我和你的一切。你已经选择离开了，我也该走了。
~ * ~ * ~

Dinner at Lynn's yesterday was so, so fun! :) This is like a Christmas tradition already - to go over to her place, help prepare dinner, hang out with the buncha guys and girls. :) Thanks to all who made it such a wonderful time! Piccies when Lynn emails them to me. Haha! ;)

~ * ~ * ~

对我而言， 2006年是很棒的一年。发生了许多事，不过，所谓的经一事长一智。现在的我应该比以前的我聪慧了一些些吧。感谢主和身边的好朋友们。有了你们的爱，我才有走下去的力量和动力。

Thank you for all your precious love, friendships, support, laughs, tears, booze (some), hugs (lots) that saw me through the year. Thank you for crying with me when I cried, for laughing with (and at :P) me when I was in stitches. Thank you. Thank you for your presence that saw me through the year. :)

2006 has been a tremendous year in terms of personal journey and there've been so many breakthroughs this year and as I reflect on them, I thank God for these precious lessons and blessings.

Hopefully I'll get some time to reflect in greater detail before the year ends.

I'm a better person now, all thanks to You.
Thank You for all the wonderful things You've put me through.
A greater plan than I can ever see or imagine.
Thank You.

Merry Christmas everyone! May the blessings of this season and more be with you and your loved ones. :)

2006-12-21T02:27:00.000+08:00

So there was a scary moment I had just now. I thought I was talking to her, I mean, I'm pretty sure that I was talking to her, and yeah, the conversation window was her nick's!, so it had to be her right?

Erm...no...that person kept asking who I was and why I was disturbing him/ her. And the best part? I was blocked by that person! I thought it was her being funny when I was asked "Who are you?" repeatedly. Turns out it might not have been her even when I'm quite sure it was...*shudders*

I was reading blogs earlier and clicked on a link for a blog I used to read, and guess what popped onto my screen? Free Porn. -___-" *sighs* I have to remember which link it was so I won't click on it again. -___-"

Had hot cocoa, Oreo cheese cake, pasta and iced water with Nick yesterday. He's on leave till Jan and wonders why I haven't been rescuing him from his boredom. *lol* So off we went to Siglap in the pouring rain for a really chill time. ;)

I've been having rather intense dreams lately and it affects my sleep.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up about the job thing but it feels like an uphill climb most days.

I'm forgiving him for each thing I remember so I can move on with my life with no ghosts left behind.

I'm just...*shrugs*

2006-12-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

11 days to Christmas...*gulps* I've to wrap the pressies! Hehehhe! At least we've gotten them already. :D

I'm tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. Had some revelations about some family stuff and I'm still praying for grace to help me with the difficult moments, which is really like every other moment when I'm home.

Something really unpleasant happened last Saturday and I just lost it. I haven't lost control of myself like that since a very, very long time already. Most of the times, I'm able to just take it in stride and just process my angry feelings. Most of the times, I'm like that.

But not last Saturday, I just lost it. A knee-jerk reaction that I've not had for a long, long time. But it was good, I suppose. It was a breakdown waiting to happen. And it did. It's been eons since I raised my voice over the mobile and cried while walking, out on the streets. I've been a good girl since, well, ever since.

But the hurt was just too searing and I just flipped. I was crying on Saturday. I was crying on Sunday just after a hug from Serene. A chat with her helped me to see things differently. And now I just pray for strength for the difficult situation. *deep breaths*

When I look at them, I get scared. I don't want to become like them. I don't want to be them. But yet, I have to remember that I'm me, I'm Esther, I'm unique. God made me different from them. I'm not made to be like them. I have a destiny, a unique destiny that's especially designed by God, for me. I'm not them. I'm not...

I'm ready to move forward in another aspect of my life. I'm excited and scared at the same time because I'm afraid of failing. I don't think I can handle another fall-flat-on-my-face while others look on and scorn experience. Yet, who am I to say that it will be like that? I'm a unique being. I am.

I remember the songs, I remember things, I remember the feelings. I remember you. I don't know if it's because it's Christmas season and everything's just so conducive to remember you with, or is it because I'm still trying hard to forget and I have to remember in order to forget and let go. I don't know.

I don't know if you think of me where you are, or if you remember me at all. When I think back, I wonder if I even made a dent in your existence. I thought I came close, but then again, who knows? Youc callous treatment told me otherwise.

I don't want to waste my very precious time remembering someone who might already have forgotten me. I don't want to remember someone I can't have. I don't want to remember someone who hurt me so badly. I don't want to think of you if you don't even remember me...

So, wherever you are, whoever you've become, you were an important part of my life, even for that brief moment. Thank you for the songs, for your sweetness, for your tears, for trying. I guess it's just not meant to be. I wish things were different, I really do. I saw a possibility in you, in us, in a future that is not meant to be. All the if onlys...

I miss the songs, I miss the talks, I miss you.

I wish I could tell you all of these, I wish you were here.

Merry Christmas wherever you are. You are not alone.

2006-11-29T00:01:00.000+08:00

Aiyah! Im tagged by Ah Wei! Here goesssssss...! :D

1) Are your parents married or divorced? Married.
2) Are you a vegetarian? Nope.
3) Do you believe in Heaven? Yes.
4) Have you ever come close to dying? Many times...yeap, I wanted to.
5) What jewelery do you wear 24/7? A Perlini's Silver bracelet I got a few weeks ago!
6) Favourite time of day? Morning and night.
7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Yeaps.
8 ) Do you wear makeup? Daily, minimal and basic only. :)
9) Ever have plastic surgery? Nope
10) Do you color your hair?. Yes.
11) What do you wear to bed? T shirt and shorts. PJ pants when it's cooooold!
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes.
13) Can you roll your tongue? Nope.
14) Do You tweeze your eyebrows? Yeaps!
15) What kind of sneakers? Erm...Im not much of a sneakers person...
16) Do you believe in Abortions? No.
17) What is your Hair color? Black.
18) Future child’s name? Will figure with God and husband when the time comes.
19) Do you snore? Erm...don't know?
20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Where my friends and family are. :)
21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No. Does 1 pillow from Jess count?
22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Bless people with the money.
23) Gold or silver? Silver less gawdy on me. :) Tho costume gold is cool. :)
24) Hamburger or hot dog? Hamburger!
25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Salmon sashimi.
26) City, beach or country? City.
27) What was the last thing you touched? Yes, the mouse.
28) Where did you eat last? At home.
29) When’s the last time you cried? Hmm...
30) Do you read blogs? Plenty!
31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? Nope.
32) Ever been involved with the police? Still waiting for my policeman husband to appear...*dreams away*
33) What’s your favourite shampoo conditioner and soap? Fruity smells are great but haven't found any suitable for my hair...=( Soap? No preference.
34) Do you talk in your sleep? Hardly.
35) Ocean or pool? Ocean. Beautiful. :)
36) Window seat or aisle? Window.
37) Ever met anyone famous? Nods.
38) Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life? :) thru my eyes, yes. :)
39) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl.
40) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? Oprah.
41) Basketball or Football? Football. Don't get basketball...
42) How long do your showers last? Around 20 mins.
43) Automatic or do you drive a stick? I don't drive.
44) Cake or ice cream? Cake.
45) Are you self-conscious? Yes. I can be.
46) Have you ever drank so much you threw up? Yes..
47) Have you ever given money to a beggar? Yes.
48) Have you been in love? Yes
49) Where do you wish you were? In bed with Dillon and Ally.
51) Are you wearing socks? Not now.
52) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes.
53) Can you tango? I’ve never tried. but I would mind learning.
54) Last gift you received? God’s grace.
55) Last sport you played? Running. Heehehe!
56) Things you spend a lot of money on? Shoes, nothing else...
57) Where do you live? Singapore.
58) Where were you born? KK Hospital.
59) Last wedding attended? Hmm...Peijing's wedding in Dec 05
60) Most hated food(s)? Chicken breast.
61) What’s your least fav.? Chicken breast.
62) Can you sing? No one's complaining...:P
63) Last person you instant messaged? Ralf.
64) Last place you went on holiday? Christine's place count.
65) Favourite regular drink? Bubble tea, water.
66) Tag 3 friends: Ogy, Elmo, Zoo
67) Current Song? Bad Day?

*Phew* :)

I'm doing ok, just came back from Christine's place to do house-sitting/ pet-sitting. :) Had plenty fun watching the very spoilt Dillon and very cool Ally! :) Miss them!

Had a great time in cell too. Thank God. :)

2006-11-07T00:55:00.000+08:00

It was her birthday, 31st Oct 06. :) We had ma la huo guo (hot and spicy steamboat) and the twins joined us. The above piccie was taken by the older twin, ES. :)

The weekend that just passed has been a tiring one and I really think I have to slow down before I get maxed out. I'm already feeling the strain from the things that are on my plate. -_-"

But God shall sustain me as I continue to trust in Him with quiet confidence and trust. *nods* Pray with and for me, aye?

I'm still remembering and I'm still trying as hard to let it go. The memories sting a lot less now, the objects don't remind me of you that much. But I still remember you. When will I totally forget?

2006-10-16T01:03:00.000+08:00

I was out with Jerry (my guy friend of 7 years!) on Saturday and we had such a great time catching up on how God has worked in our lives. :) Thank God for brothers like these! :D

I hung out with Swee Ching and Pei Hua on Sunday after lunch and we had a great time catching up. Hee! Though we all realised that my nails are far too long for me to be playing the guitar. -__-" I won't cut them off yet ok? I like them long for now. *beams*

This weekend saw me eating far too much, far more than I've eaten in a long while! The food was great, the company better. Though I think my nicely rounded tummy will say otherwise! *bleah*

Friends Connexion on Friday was such a blast. :) Praise God for the way He worked in the lives of everyone who was there. :) Pei Hua took a video of me sharing my testimony which I've not seen yet. Heehee! :P

Anywayz, here's a silly piccie of me from Friday. :)

I will not overeat during the week!

Retreat's coming up this weekend and boy! am I excited! :D Can't wait to see what God will do for the people who are going for it. :) Meanwhile, I've got a busy week ahead. God bless everyone! :D

2006-10-12T02:36:00.000+08:00

I thank You Jesus, for the love You've continuously poured out just for me. I thank You Jesus for how far You've brought me and how far You will continue to bring me. I thank You Jesus, that You will continue to love, cherish and adore me in spite of what I feel about myself. I thank You Jesus, that no matter how others may come and hurt me and make me feel like I'm not worthy, my worth in You doesn't change. I thank You Jesus, for the love of family and friends that You have so generously blessed me with.

I thank You Jesus that You only have the best plans for me and everything You have given and will give to me are only the best. I thank You Jesus that if it is in Your plans for me to marry, You have chosen only the best guy for me. I thank You Jesus that You have picked him out of the billions and billions of people just for me. I thank You Jesus that he will be one who will share in the wonders You have done in my life and give praise to You together with me. I thank You Jesus that he will cherish, honor, protect, love me just as he has been loved by You. I thank You Jesus, that together, we will have a household that will praise and honor You all the days of our lives.

I thank You Jesus, that it will be the perfect time when we shall meet, not a minute early, nor a minute late. I thank You Jesus, that the ultimate romance I have dreamt of will happen because You are the Great Matchmaker and I will choose to trust in Your choice of a life partner for me.

I thank You Jesus, that all the guys I've gone out with were not the one for me because You want to give so much more to me. I thank You Jesus, that through all of these relationships, You have taught me to wait on You for Your choice of a mate for me. I thank You Jesus, that all I need to do is to trust in You.

For that ultimate romance of my lifetime that You have planned for me, I will choose to keep myself pure until it is time for the one whom You have lovingly handpicked for me to come into my life, and I into his. I will not waste my precious emotions, time or attention on one who doesn't deserve it. I am Your princess - cherished, adored, precious, loved, and I choose to wait on You till it's time for that prince to come into my life.

Jesus, You alone give me the love that this heart needs. Jesus, You alone are the Lover of my soul. Jesus, You alone hung on that cross to die for my sins. Jesus, You alone endured that cruel, cold moment when God the Father turned His eyes from You.

Jesus, I love You.
For the goodness You continuously pour into my life.
For injecting the fillers of love that this heart needs.
Like a meandering river finding its way through the cracks.
For Your patience in waiting for me, no matter what I do.
Jesus, I love You.
And I know, ever so slowly, but surely, that You love me too.
With a love that is so much more than I can ever comprehend.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Esther, I'm sorry that I've chosen to entertain that thought that I'm not worthy/ significant enough because of his callous, cold and cruel treatment of me. I'm sorry that I've allowed you to be chained to his whims and fancies. I'm sorry that I've allowed him to hurt you so much. I'm sorry about the tears you've cried, the nights you didn't sleep well, the times you've gotten yourself drunk because of him. I'm sorry...Please forgive me.

2006-10-07T01:44:00.000+08:00

今天烟雾弥漫着整个城市。空气中那浓浓的烧焦味让人难以呼吸。我心中那压着我的伤感也让我无法呼吸。。。只不过单纯地喜欢你而已，那也有错吗? 你干嘛要那么残酷地对待我? 我才刚刚开始习惯你的沉默，你却突然传短讯给我，说你想我。

我心中的第一个反应就是：害怕。我害怕你又会在做了一个短暂的出现后，又消失。。。你每一次的出现后，我只有眼泪作伴，因为在你出现后都会有很长很长一段时间毫无音讯。

你为什么要这样对我? 我做错了什么? 难道你完全没有想到你做的一切对我所造成的伤害吗? 我的眼泪、我的难过，你都看不到吗? 我在你心目中应该没有地位了吧? 不然你为什么会视而不见、对我所传给你的短讯都没有回应呢?

喜欢一个人应该很单纯吧? 不该象我这样痛苦吧?

我这两个月过得很辛苦，你都不知道。

我觉得自己已经没有尊严了。在你毫无反应的情况下，我还继续传短讯给你。我觉得我很可悲。明知道你会选择不回应我，我还厚着脸皮地传短讯给你。

这天下或许会有永远幸福快乐的恋人。我们，(喔，已经没有我们了！) 不会是佳偶天成的那么一对。

你真的伤了我很深。我现在除了痛，我不知道还有什么形容词可以形容我现在的心情了。最恨的是自己，因为我是个大白痴、天真地可以的大白痴。

要求你对我坦白应该不是很过分的要求吧? 为什么你连这点都不能给我? 你这样忽冷忽热的态度很自私，因为你完全没有顾虑到我的感受。就算你还需要时间，你大可以告诉我。这算什么? Testing the water to see if I’m still around for you?

我觉得我变成了一条狗，一条等着你使唤的狗。你否定我的存在的时候，我只能追着我的尾巴跑，一圈又一圈地跑。边跑便等着你承认我存在的那一刹那。 A fleeting moment where you acknowledge my existence.

你真的好残忍。一次又一次地把我的心重重地摔在地上，然后潇洒地过你的生活，留下淌着眼泪的我把那碎片拾起来。那颗心还没时间愈合，你又出现、又把它重重地摔在地上。这幕剧一直在重演着。

我没有你想象中那么坚强，我也没有你那么冷酷无情。在遭受到你这一切伤害后，我只能自己暗自舔伤口，祈祷你下一次的出现不会带给我那么多痛苦。我也只不过想好好地爱与被爱而已，真的有那么难吗? 就算你不是那个他，也让我知道，好吗? 那我也可以学着对你死心了。

我真的很累了。这样反复在上演的剧目也该停演了吧? 如果我只是你的一个玩具，你也该玩腻了吧? 求你告诉我你到底要怎样。不要了就放手让我走吧。在我还没有完全失去仅有的尊严前，让我也能走地潇洒吧。

我连女生的尊严都快没有了，你还想怎么样? Was this just purely to help boost ur ego? To show that you are still desired and wanted by another? To see how long another would sit around like a puppy and wait for you?

2006-10-02T01:13:00.000+08:00

So...I've finished writing the testimony! *big smiles* Praise God! I was cringing as I was writing it! EEEEEE! >.< Thank you AuntJess for the chance to share the testimony and the chance which made me sit down and write of His goodness in my life. :) Will be sharing it on the 13th Oct Friday event. :) Pray for it!

I've been reading 2 new blogs lately and one of them makes me feel *small* and *stupid*. I guess perhaps it's his style of writing that makes me feel *stupid*. The writer of that blog uses a lot of words that people rarely use in writing or in speech. I found myself struggling to recall what those words meant as I came across them. :P The other blog is a lighter read but in no way less cerebral. It didn't make me feel *small* and/or *stupid*. *grins*

This whole making me feel *small* and/or *stupid* thing has to do with my low self-esteem, of course. I'm trying, bit by bit, moment by moment, by the grace and love of God, to deal with it actively, rather than wait for the healthy amount of self-esteem to drop on me like a tonne of bricks. :P (*Mental note to self: I am loved. I matter. I'm not *small* or *stupid* just coz some guy uses big words in his writing!)

By the grace of God, Hallelujah! *sprinkles confetti*, I graduated from the Disciple class. When I missed the retreat in June, I thought I had flunked out of the class and had been quietly kicking myself (very hard!) in the butt...I had chosen a relationship with a non-believer over the Disciple class which I had conscientiously committed myself to.

I was feeling a little upset before I went to church today and shared with Liwei and Carol before we got out of the car to walk to church. The very sweet sisters of mine prayed for me and offered to hold my hand as the graduands went up to receive their certificates.

When we got to church and I looked at the list of graduands for the Disciple class Adrian was leading, I saw my name...I made the 70% attendance mark...I passed. I cried. God is so good...Even when I was faithless, He remained faithful. Thank You Jesus...*cries*

Countdown to retreat! Keep praying! God listens to our prayers and will honor them!

2006-09-27T02:19:00.000+08:00

God has shown me so much. I need to continue praying for the covering of Jesus's blood upon me and the Lordship prayer daily to fight the negative thoughts that come like torrents upon my sanity. In the name of Jesus, you have no hold on my mind, in my life. I cast you out in the name of Jesus. This body, this mind is made to love and glorify God and all you negative thoughts have no right to be here. Get out!

I thank God for listening to my prayer and for answering it in my most desperate moments and He showed me the truth that I needed to know. The truth did set me free. Thank You Jesus.

I am loved. I matter.

2006-09-25T00:02:00.000+08:00

Came across this while blog-surfing. Please go sign it. Children should not be denied the right to a childhood that doesn't snuff the life out of them.

I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse and it continues to haunt me even to this day. I thank God for His deliverance and healing which came to me through the DEW ministry last year. The incident was something I've buried deep in the recesses of my mind. The first time I tried to mention it to Rozie, I was choking on my tears and was unable to speak.

That was the first time I realised that the incident still haunted me so much. My hospitalizations last year and this April have been because of the incident. I was handling a lot of residual emotions and memories from the incident that drove me to tbe brink of insanity and it was only His love and grace that brought me back.

I am 28 years old this year and the incident happened when I was 9. It is almost 20 years on and I've only managed to find the deliverance that I need recently. It has turned my life upside down since the instant it happened and the incident is largely responsible for a lot of other things that have happened in my life afterwards, spanning 19 years.

So please, from someone who's gone through it herself, please go sign the petition and the one I have on my links on the right to do something for the children before they have to go through what I did.

2006-09-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

You will never walk alone, Point of Grace
Along life's road
There will be sunshine and rain
Roses and thorns, laughter and pain
And 'cross the miles
You will face mountains so steep
Deserts so long and valleys so deep
Sometimes the Journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember
I want you to know
(Chorus)

Chorus
You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
And you may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And He'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone

never, no never

The path will wind
And you will find wonders and fears
Labors of love and a few falling tears
Across the years
There will be some twists and turns
Mistakes to make and lessons to learn
Sometimes the journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember wherever you may go
(Repeat Chorus)

Jesus knows your joy, Jesus knows your need
He will go the distance with you faithfully

(Repeat Chorus)

For someone who's been hurting very badly, this is God's promise to you. No matter what you may feel, you are not alone. I don't know why you had to go through the things you did; I wish I had an answer so you would perhaps feel better. I'm praying for you every night. You are not alone.

Even when you have not the faith nor strengh to carry on anymore, God will honor the faith of people around you who continues to believe on your behalf. I know this for sure and I know He will honor the prayers I've been making for you.

Just hang tough now soldier. Keep clinging onto Him no matter what and He will lead you out of this dark tunnel into the Promised Land. Cry if you need/want to, get mad with Him if you need/want to, rave and rant like a lunatic if you need/want to, He can handle all of that. All He needs is just your willingness to go to Him with all the burden that's been weighing heavy on your heart, shoulders, mind.

I'm still here as well.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Had dinner with Jess, Jingting, Ah Wei and Carol at this Hong Kong-style cafe/ restaurant just now and I had such a great time. *lol* Some of the stuff we came up with after eating all the shaved ice had all of us in stitches! Haha! :D

The food there was nice, particularly the Soup Noodles with Luncheon Meat and Egg, the Fried Noodles with Luncheon Meat and Egg, Beef Hor Fun (dry). :) Go try out the food if you can! :) Will post piccies if Ah Wei sends them to me. Heehee! :D

Thank You Lord for such a wonderful time with the girls! :) I pray for more to come! :D

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I think I have injured my right foot again. -___-" Only this time, I don't know how or what I have done to cause the old injury to resurface again. Time to bring out my trusty ankle guard. O! Meantime, no heels, only flats/ slippers till the foot gets better. I'm cool with that! Haha!

2006-09-18T00:24:00.000+08:00

1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1

After a particularly disturbing conversation I had with someone the other night, I had to run to God for His comfort and assurance that I was still loved and worthy. I was either reading Stormie O'Martian's book - Lord I want to be whole or another book on healing when God brought this word - Condemnation to mind. I searched through the concordance of the bible and found the verse I was looking for printed above.

It was like His voice telling me what I needed to know the most after that conversation. Praise God.

I was also reminded of the healing and restoration journey He's brought me on thus far. It kicked off "officially" during DEW last year and it's still happening now. :) He's dealing with the issues bit by bit, layer by layer, as much as He knows I can handle at each moment. Praise Him for His infinite wisdom. :)

God also reminded me that I needed to take this healing and restoration journey with Him seriously. I need to stop being double-minded about things and just singularly choose to love and follow Jesus with my heart, mind, soul and strength. No more serving of 2 masters while following Jesus half-heartedly. No more.

I'm also happy to say that I've included something else in my prayer list which, again, I thank God for helping me to deal with, bit by bit. :) Slowly but surely He will bring me there. I'm hopeful. :)

It's the hope of His calling that keeps me going. It's His love that keeps me going. And I will keep going. :)

Thank You Jesus.

2006-09-16T02:01:00.000+08:00

My msn nick : Queen Esther is made for greater things than these. Indeed, just as the Queen Esther of the Bible is made for greater things (like saving the Jews from being massacred), I am made for greater things than these pains which still haunt me now.

I have made mistakes in my life which I'm not proud of, (AuntJess tells me not to let condemnation get the better of me. That I must remember.) and God is still in the process of healing and restoring me. Don't be a judge of what I've done and use it to measure how far I've screwed up, please. God didn't die and make you God in His place.

Shame, guilt, fear have no place in my life or my mind. Enough guilt to lead me to repentance, that's all. Anything more than that is not from Him. God give me the dignity and the love that I need to carry on. Shield me please from things that do not build me up, but tear me down. Lord, the pieces that You see right now before You are the precious pieces that You have lovingly and painstakingly picked up from the miry clay. Let not the evil one steal these pieces away.

I just saw the Retreat 2005 video on AuntJess's page and oh my goodness! You'll have to go for Retreat 2006! God worked His wonders during the retreat last year and I am a witness and testimony to that! I can't wait to see how He will work during the retreat this year! So if you haven't signed up yet, make sure you do!

Father God, we see around us those who need You. Those who've given their lives to You but yet, for some reasons, have allowed themselves to slip away from You. Lord, grant us the boldness to invite these loved ones to the retreat this year where You will meet with them personally. Lord, for those who have committed themselves to the retreat this year, I pray that You will continue to guard their hearts and to prepare them for how You will speak to them. I pray also against any schemes of the evil one to prevent these loved ones from going to the retreat, be it work schedules, or other things which are not from You. Continue to watch over the zone, the retreat committee as we prepare ourselves to meet with You during the coming retreat. In His mighty name, Amen.

2006-09-14T01:12:00.000+08:00

I miss my honey pumpkin, papadum, chicken masala, peachy pie. :( But I'm glad she called me today and we talked over msn for a bit just now! :D I finally shared what has been bothering me with her and it feels good to share it with her coz she's such a dear friend. :) Thanks for listening and for not blasting me and telling me how stupid I've been. I know for all my stupidity, I'm still cute, loveable in your eyes. *Sha gua grin* I mish you!!

Talking about love, I know these folks love me for me. All the silly ways, all my stupid mistakes, all my crappy jokes, all my hugs, etc. :) Thank God for each and every one of you who continues to love me. It is your love that keeps me going through these dark stormy days/ nights that doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

For it is through you that I see what love is. Thank you.

2006-09-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.
But you can.
With your support, we can eradicate this evil trade.
We do not need your money.
We need you to light a candle of support .
We're aiming to light One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.
This petition will be used to put pressure on governments, politicians, financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies who have the power to work together to eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.
You have the power to get them to take action.
Please light your candle at lightamillioncandles.com or send an email to light@lightamillioncandles.com.
Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.
Kindly forward this email to your friends, relatives and work colleagues so that they can light a candle too.

~ * ~ * ~

Why would you hurt one such as this...?

2006-09-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me

I remember this song. In an attempt to bring a smile on my face, it was sung to me. It did bring a smile on my face. Now it brings tears instead. I can't stand to remember things about you. Even someone who smelled like you on the bus made me want to cry. Songs make me choke. Checking my hp for a call/ sms from you has become a habit. The ghost of you haunts me even when the real you is MIA.

Where did you go?

2006-09-12T00:48:00.000+08:00

This month's issue of Cleo is about Self-love. *smiles* How apt for a time like this. If you know me, you know I've been struggling with loving myself for the longest time. Recent events have brought me tumbling backwards in that quest and I'm not proud to say I've not been loving myself enough.

Reading the article on the self-mutilator hit the nail right on the head. I am guilty of self-mutilation and I've the scars on my wrists to show for it. The doctors at the hospital thought I was trying to kill myself and I kept explaining to them over and over again that I wasn't trying to do that. All I wanted to do was to release a pressure valve within me that I didn't know how else to release.

And like the girl in the article said, it always felt good after I cut myself. Even though it is a false sense of relief, it was still a relief. Can you imagine a pressure cooker on the verge of exploding? I've been like that most of my life. A dominant feeling that I've had for the longest time is anger.

I thank God that the anger is being dealt with bit by bit now. Though I'm accustomed to numbing myself out so I don't feel anymore hurt or pain, I've to learn to feel a little under safe circumstances.

These past couple of months have been very draining for me. But I hold on knowing that God is holding onto me every moment. I hold on for the hope that things will be better soon. It may not be now, when the pain still overwhelms and forces me to the brink of sanity and return, but it will happen. Even when I've lost faith, He sees the faith and hears the prayers of the dear ones around me.

So, for all you sisters out there who may have been abusing yourselves, knowingly or unknowingly, grab a copy of Cleo and just read through the articles under this column. It has given me just a little glimpse of hope for an otherwise moody and depressive day. I think it will help you too. :)

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I look forward to the day I will be able to share the hope that comes from a life in Him with those who need it. Meanwhile I will allow God to lead me through the waters of restoration and healing so I can be a minister to those in need when I'm ready for it.

I read an article for the Yellow Ribbon Project recently and it touched my heart and made me think. The love of a parent for a child who continues to break his heart, the love of God for His children who continue to break His heart. Teach me to love like You do, dear Lord.

2006-09-11T23:56:00.000+08:00

O! O! O! I just have the share the pic of the cutest princess in the whole wide world( next to the many other cute princesses in the whole wide world) with you guys. I mentioned that I love kids in the previous post and by that I mean I really do.

They have this way of annoying you at times, yes. But unlike most adults, they have this way of un-annoying you as well! Haha! I've been blessed enough to encounter some of those, so again, I'm thankful for the many kiddos in my life! :)

Erm...there's some problems loading the piccie unto the post! Awww! :( I'll try again tomorrow or something.

A mask and new comfy bedroom slippers make me a happy girl today.

What could have been isn't. She still doesn't know what is going on. Is he just one who played her out? She gave him plenty of leeway. He only needed to tell her what was going on. Even if he had gotten back with his ex-love, even if he cannot do this now/ever again, even if he's lost interest. All she asked for was a little courtesy and respect to inform her so she won't be left hanging. Was that too much to ask from him?

She took a chance with him. She took a chance to step out of that self-imposed closet from the many hurts she's encountered throughout her life with him. To feel and dare I say it, to love and be loved in return. There was to be no strings attached. But things happened along the way...Things happened. Now she will brave it all alone. Seems like he will not have anything to do with what's going to happen. Does that make him a bastard?

She screwed up big time and thank God, she's doing better now. She filed a report against him. We were not expecting any response from the relevant authorities, but he got punished. Should she be celebrating at his ruin? We can't decide.

2006-09-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

She's gone off to Perth already. She'll be gone for 6 weeks. I'll be missing her! *sobs* Thank God I got to speak to her before she boarded the plane.

I was so exhausted today I didn't even have the energy to get out of bed to go to church this morning. I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping away. After that I got up to attend Tryphena's birthday party in Hougang.

The cabbie didn't know where the condo was and sent me off to another condo instead. And he asked me, not very politely, to ask for the address of the condo I was going to. When PH didn't answer the call, I took out my money to pay the cabbie and wanted to get off already. Too fed up to continue with the cab ride. He didn't take my money coz he said it was his fault. Good.

The day hasn't been very good for me coz of one last thing I've not been dealing well with. So after the phone call with Marchze who gave me directions on how to get to the condo, I was walking and crying and cursing and praying all at the same time. I was frustrated and angry with myself, with the person causing me so much misery, with God for allowing so much misery in my life, etc.

So while I was walking, I was tearing. It was quite a long walk and it gave me enough time to calm myself down before Marchze picked me up. Only God can take my ranting like a mad person. *sighs*

Eventually I did get to the condo, to the birthday party. The pretty princess was such a joy. I love kids. They have such a way of bringing such joy to me. :) Thank God for the kids in my life!

Anywayz, the new week is beginning and hopefully things will be better. *smiles*

I never asked for much. You promised too much. All I ask for now is courtesy which you cannot even give me. Is it too much to ask that? I do not think so, I do not think so.

2006-09-07T23:48:00.000+08:00

4 But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, LORD, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!”
5 Then as he lay and slept under a broom tree, suddenly an angel[a] touched him, and said to him, “Arise and eat.” 6 Then he looked, and there by his head was a cake baked on coals, and a jar of water. So he ate and drank, and lay down again. 7 And the angel[b] of the LORD came back the second time, and touched him, and said, “Arise and eat, because the journey is too great for you.” 8 So he arose, and ate and drank; and he went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights as far as Horeb, the mountain of God.
1 Kings 19:4-8, NKJV

Let me rest in Thee, O Lord, for I have not the strength to carry on.

A conversation with Lynn yesterday brought the issue of why I've been acting so hostile towards my parents to mind. Forgiveness I blame them for the way my life has turned out. Without their guidance, this girl had to figure out life on her own. The formative years that were so important were spent without their precious guidance. Had they been more involved in my life, I won't have to go through the heartache I did that still gives me nightmares now and then...

Yet I know I must forgive. Otherwise the anger will prevent love from reaching me and giving me the bandaid that I need for the pain I feel. I will choose to forgive, though it's hard...*sighs*

2006-09-04T23:24:00.000+08:00

You woke me up in the morning to tell me that my grandma passed away. You then told me it was a mistake. She's discharged, not dead. All because you heard wrongly. I'm thrown off course.

I need to stop parenting you because I am your daughter, not a mother to you. I'm the child, not you. I'm tired because of all the issues in my head, which I managed to write down before I slept yesterday. All the vulgarities that come along with it, I think I managed an uncensored journal entry. Just the way I feel, just the way it is.

I don't tell people my thoughts sometimes because even I get scared by what I feel and think about stuff. So dark, so morbid, so angry, so depressive. Yet it is the way I feel, no two bones about it. I censor some of the things I say here because I don't want you to think me insane.

But I'm not insane, I'm not stark raving mad. I'm just overwhelmed by everything that's hitting me again and again.

If you say you love me, and you truly do mean what you say, please don't leave me or let me go. I won't be able to take it. I'm tired of licking my wounds in private and crying tears of pain all on my own. I'm used to it, but it doesn't mean I like it or enjoy it. So, while you can, feed me with your love, like cupcakes and tea on a nice afternoon, like a rainbow after the rainiest day, like a hug when I'm feeling alone/ cold/ sad. I'm starved of love.

I'm not detestable. I don't bring you pain intentionally or unintentionally. I'm not high maintenance. I just need some TLC, like my best friend pointed out that night. I'm not asking for very much. Please, just love me. Please?

2006-09-02T15:46:00.000+08:00

The birthday was a simple affair with my bestie of 21 years! Yeap, we've known each other since we were in primary one. :) We went to Suntec where she got me the most gorgeous birthday gift that continues to put a smile on my face. Eternity - that's how long we'll be with each other.

I went out last night with Nick, MY BEST FRIEND SINCE 1/9/06. He brought me to this place called Labyrinth, a chill out lounge plus pool place in one. It was quite a nice place to hang out. Yun was with us too. She was a little upset over a little spat with her bf, but she stayed with me throughout. *muacks* Thanks dearie for being there with me. :)

I told MY BEST FRIEND to get me drunk and he offered me a shot of vodka IN a huge mug of HOEGAARDEN. And I had to sip the drink through a straw. Needless to say, I was intoxicated. Other details excluded. Bwakakakaka!

My grandma's in hospital. The nursing home sent her to the hospital on Monday and they said that it was due to some breathing problems like asthma or something. According to my father, one of her lungs wasn't working well. But well, I reserved my responses until I went to the hospital to speak with her doctor.

She had a massive stroke. She's now unresponsive to anything and has to be fed through a tube. Quality of life is zilch. Next to a vegetative comatose state, this would be the next worse. :( I remember the last time she was hospitalized, she was still quite verbal and was able to rant and rave at the nurses who tried to touch her. This time, she's just there, not saying anything, not doing anything besides breathing and sleeping.

It saddens me to see her like that and yet there is nothing I can do for her. The doctor said that the only thing left to do is to make her comfortable. Though clinically she's doing well, we're not sure if that's the best thing to have for her. She's just suffering. Yet, her life is not mine to give or take away. I lift her into Your hands Lord. I pray your peace upon my family, especially my father. God, Your will be done.

I've felt a myriad of emotions for my 28th birthday and the main thing that continues to stay is - I'm very tired. I'm really very drained. Too many things have happened and are still happening. *sighs* Yet I also know that I'm very loved by the people around me because of what they shower me with. Thanks everyone. Your love gives me the strength to get on with each day and its many challenges. *sighs*

I spent so many days of the past weeks waiting. Soon, it will be over.

Happy weekend everyone. God bless.

2006-08-30T00:26:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to meeeee!

*throws confetti around*

*waits for Wei to pick them up and throw them around again*

*still waiting*

LoL! :P

Just because it's my birthday today, I will endeavour to make it a happy day. I have friends who love me, whether I feel it or not. I have a family who loves me, whether I feel it or not. I have God who loves me, whether I feel it or not. Regardless of how I feel, I know I am loved and will continue to be loved till the day I return to Him.

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

My current ringtone though the phone hasn't rang at all since I've changed it. *lol* I wanted to post the above lyrics and take a hiatus till September ends coz I reckoned that's how long it will take for me to get better. But I much prefer being around people for them to give me hugs when I'm cold/down/feeling unloved/happy/cranky/crazy/etc. *smiles*

His love reaches down from heavens, through the cracks and scars and tears, and touches me. It fills me up bit by bit because that's how I can handle it best right now. Bit by bit, I come to learn just how much I am loved by Him, by His people around me. Thanks be to God...

These days, the past has been haunting me. Past relationship horrors, to be exact. They have been haunting me for many weeks now. The OT said that it's quite normal since we've discussed this subject just some weeks before. *breathes a sigh of relief* Good to know that I'm not going crazy from this sudden tidal wave crashing over me. Very good to know. *nods*

The thoughts haunt me in my waking moments; they haunt me in my dreams. I dreamt of ex-boyfriends whom I'd much rather have ECT to help me forget than to remember.

Why have relationships turn out to be such painful memories I'd rather have wisdom tooth removal (x 4) than to go through them again? Well, I dun remember any of them being anything remotely near what I've been dreaming of. And I dun think I dream of too much when I say that I'll like to be treated like a princess by my boyfriend, just because I am that special in his eyes.

The 1st BF
My very first relationship...Someone I'd rather have my eyeballs dug out than to relive that part of my life with him again. The relationship was nothing like the sugary, syrupy stuff that first loves should be made up of. I was staying away from home for long periods of time when we were together.
I remember the first Valentine's we had. He was too stoned outta his mind to have a good time. All he wanted to do was to get back to his friend's place.
After we broke up, he insisted that I ignored him for my friends when my friends will testify I dropped them for him. My world revolved around him during that time. After we broke up, he told me that he was sleeping around with his ex behind my back. After we broke up, he calls me at home at weird hours of the morning like 12, 2, 4, 6. Usually happens after he got himself drunk and ridiculously high on alcohol. Usually to express remorse over the way he treated me during the 5 months we were together.
See, it wasn't just a one-sided, subjective opinion that the relationship sucked big time!
The relationship left me broken in many ways. And set me off rebound for the rebound relationships that followed.

Because of all the relationships and guys that I've met, I don't believe in love anymore even though I will foolishly throw myself into any relationship potential that comes along. I do that because there's still a part of me that holds onto the hope that I will be treated the way I want to be treated and will treat him the same in return.

I hear promises and choose to believe them, only to have my heart cruelly broken in return, for whatever reasons. Guys have been better friends than boyfriends. Once you cross that line from friendship to relationship, they just change. They don't treat you as nicely anymore. Where does that leave me? Very confused. *sighs* Enough, all right? No more.

Sorry, meant to make this a happy post about how much I love the people in my life, and not a lengthy discourse about my past and its pain. *shakes head*

To everyone in my life,

Thank you for sticking around even when the things I do don't make sense to you. Thank you for loving me the way I am while hoping and holding out for better things to come for me. Thank you for your hugs, kisses, listening ear, shoulder to cry on when I needed them. Thank you for seeing me the way you do instead of the harsh, judgmental way I look at myself all the time. Thank you for the crappy laughs that we've shared. Thank you for the time you've taken to invest in my life. Thank you for believing in the good that can still come out of this mostly messed-up mind and life. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for you. Thank God for you. :) I cannot come this far, and cannot go on any farther if not for each and every one of you.

*hugs* & *muacks*
Su Cheng (Esther)

2006-08-23T20:49:00.000+08:00

我的痛是你给的承诺，一堆你没有办法实现的承诺。选择放弃，不是因为对你没有感觉了。选择放弃。是因为抓着太痛了。你所要的不是我能给的，而我所要的幸福也不是你能给的。。。我，相信你所说的一切。。。我，期待你实现承诺的那一天。。。

我真的太天真，太天真了。天真地太可笑了。一次又一次地被伤害后，又可以义无反顾地投入另一段感情。我只想好好地被爱而已。真的有那么难吗?

痛，真的很痛。痛到麻木了。痛到想哭都哭不出来。你，知道你对我所造成的伤害有多深吗?

舍不得放手，又能怎样? 我又能怎样?

This made me cry...

我，真的很累了。不要再伤害我了。我的心真的很脆弱，我也真的很脆弱。不要被我的外表骗了，我没有外表所呈现的那么坚强。我只是不懂得告诉身边的人我需要帮助而已。等到我伸手求救时，都是我快要溺死的时候。我习惯了得照顾自己和身边的人的日子。我真的累了。。。

你，是我的避风港，我唯一能休息的地方。
让你那双臂把我从这一切抱起吧。
让我在你的爱里歇一歇吧。
直到我恢复了继续走下去的力气。。。
让我在你的爱里休息。。。

2006-08-22T01:19:00.000+08:00

"Never mind. You can't even understand such a simple request."
"I'm sorry for making you sad..."

Words.
They have such power over me.
They brought me soaring, they sent me crashing.

I've been promised the world of happiness in the forever to come. I've been promised never to be hurt again. I've been promised of love. I was sent soaring, higher than the highest skies. I thought I had finally had it.

I've been told (not to my face though) that I wasn't good enough. (O wait, I've been told to my face that I wasn't good enough.)

Words. Words. Words.
They hurt.

"The past has no hold over you. I break them in Jesus' name. This is your season of healing and restoration."

"Each time you think lowly of yourself, I feel God's heart break. Each time that you cry, I see Him cry twice as hard."

Words. Words. Words.
They heal.

What will you speak to me to bring hurt or healing to me? I'm only a broken being going through her season of healing and restoration. I can only take |-so-| much.

Fill my heart with Your love, O Lord. You know this heart is starved of real love which can only come from You. You are the Only One who has been true to Your Word, You are the Only One who hasn't broken my heart in any way. In fact, You are the Only One who comes and heals me each time I get broken and hurt.

Just like You used a little child to touch my heart, to remind me that I do matter to You when the only words I could utter were, "Please help me Lord..." in the midst of my pain and the tears that would not come. How You work, I do not know. I only know You love me so. Just how much, I do not yet know.

Love. Words. Heart. Broken. Mending. Healing. Restoring. Me.

2006-08-02T00:04:00.000+08:00

*blissful sigh* It was such a beautiful day. :) I slept enough so I didn't require any external kick (CAFFEINE) to get me on a functioning mode. Work was productive. :) Only regret was that I was late! Urgh!

Cell tonight was great. God spoke to me about having a well-ordered heart in singular pursuit of Him. It's difficult to do that, really, coz what it means to me is to live life His way, and to yield and surrender my rights to live life my way to do things His way. The way which will bring Him the greatest honor and glory and place in my life.

Sounds scary, doesn't it? Well, at the same time, it sounds really exciting coz God promised me only the best things and if I think I'm bringing the best to myself the best way I know how, and my ways are definitely finite, won't God, the Infinite One, bring more goodness into my life in ways that I cannot even begin to imagine? :D

It is important to intentionally arrange my life around the goal of spiritual transformation because living life God's way is the only way. I tried doing things my own way, the best way I thought I could live, but it only led me down the path of destruction and pain.

We also learnt about suffering, the biblical perspective. Will not go into that because there's a whole school called Apologetics if you are interested in finding out more. All I know is this, throughout my own intense periods of dark sufferings and pain that made me want to take my own life, God was the One who never let go of me. He was the One who brought hope to me; to tell me that there is something more for me out of this life; that there is more than the pain, the tears, the anguish. He was the One who gave me a meaning to my life. Without Him, I'd be dead, as in literally, dead.

I am loved,
I am blessed,
I am treasured,
I am worthy.

I am happy,
I am alive,
I am hopeful,
I am precious.

God loves me. :) So do the people around me. :)

Thanks for the little booklet! :) It communicates much love to me. :) *hugs*

2006-07-27T23:57:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. These past coupla weeks have been crazy and things are only normalizing this week.

Mama is home from the hospital and seems to be recovering well post-op. She's mobile and thank God that she is able to take care of herself while the rest of us work. Only thing is that she's not wearing the surgical stockings! *grumbles*

My emotions have settled down a lot already; thank God. God really took this back (and heart) breaking experience to draw me back to Him and to work on that identity/ self-esteem issue that has been with me for as long as I can remember. Tuesday's cell was very good coz God spoke to me about the issue of defending myself in other people's eyes versus doing my best unto Him and just let Him be the ultimate Judge of everything I do.

The Boss thinks I haven't been showing up for work the past 2 weeks and that is so not true. I wasn't upset or quick to defend myself after he said that. Instead, I felt God telling me that it is Him I'm answerable to and that gave me a great sense of peace. During cell, we discussed something similar and God reinforced the same thing to me again. I am convicted. :)

In preparation for my session with the therapist next week, I'm doing some homework she's given me. I'm to make a list of the Must-Haves and Good-To-Haves in the man I want, and to write an essay on relationships and what they mean to me. I was spending a lot of time going through some materials to help me write a concrete list and I'm only halfway done!

Thank God for this time to go through the emotional gunk and baggage that is inside me because of all the failed relationships in the past! I'm sick of settling and I only want to wait for God's best for me. In the meantime, I'm happy being single and having the time to minister to family, friends and God. :)

Thank God for His restorative work in me and I'm at a place where I've never been before. It feels good and all thanks be to God. Without Him, I won't be where I am today. Without Him, I won't be who I am today. :)

I choose to forgive because I don't want emotional baggage chaining me down. I want to move forward with Him, not stay where I am because of him. I'm sorry I made the choice to disobey and did what was right in my own eyes. I thought I knew better, but I don't. I have learnt and He has made me wiser for Him. Thank You God for Your graciousness and love. What would I be without You? I can't imagine.

2006-07-16T19:45:00.000+08:00

My bestest friend just celebrated her birthday over the week. Yes, week. Haha! We started celebrating on Wed when we had an impromptu karoke session. Thursday we went to Popeye at Changi Airport for dinner and a long long talk. Friday we went out for a series of activities and Saturday was yet another one. Haha! It was great fun and I'm glad you had fun too. :) Seriously, just the two of us alone would have caused a huge ruckus anywhere. Hee! ;)

I wanna thank this person who was hugely responsible for making Friday and Saturday happen. He's been a friend I've know for a couple of years now. We've had our ups and downs but I'm just thankful that he's in my life as a dear buddy. :) I'm more than indebted to you for all that you've done for me and I wish there was more that I could do for you besides the taking 4 days leave to help you for your wedding. Haha! But you do know that I'll always be here for you like I've always been - your buddy for keeps. :)

There are a couple of lists that I need to make about issues in my life and yeah, I think a couple of lists would be good since I'm a hugely cognitive person anywayz. I need to make a list about the things that a guy need to possess, the must haves and the good to haves. Then I need His grace to stick by the list!

I've been bouncing from one relationship to another and never really took the time to heal from the pain of each breakup. It's a hugely underprocessed issue in my life. I'm sick of all the bouncing and I gotta get some clarity on this issue! *nods*

All righty, I had an idea to blog about all the exes of my life but ah well, we'll see how that goes. ;)

Here's a piccie of me and bestest friend - Rosie. I love you girl! *hugs and smooches*

It was great seeing you on Sat Hanz baby! :D

2006-07-12T00:03:00.000+08:00

It is only the love of God that will melt this heart and continue to bring me into the days ahead. It is His love that fills me up and warms me whenever I get sad or lonely. I've been searching for a love that will accept me just as I am, with the past that I have, with the scars that I bear. Day and night, I was searching everywhere. I sought for a 'love' to tell me that I am worthy, that I am attractive, that I am still desirable even with all the scars on me. I thought I had found it in him.

The moment the fiasco ended, it was as if the wool had been pulled off from my eyes. Quite suddenly, I could really see. The love that I have been searching for was right here with me all along. I kept wanting love, waiting to be just swept off my feet, to drown in such passion that I would pledge to live only for it.

With God, I tried so hard. I did all things that I knew I was supposed to do. But something was missing. I was fiercely obeying and doing everything out of an obligation. And the obligation was weighing on me; it was weighing me down. That wasn't the kind of freedom that His love was supposed to bring. It felt like a tonne of bricks that was chaining me in. I was drowning for the wrong reasons.

I know He loves me, I just couldn't feel it. Somehow the connection between my head and my heart was faulty and I didn't know what else to do to repair that connecting bridge.

When the fiasco ended, I could feel love, the kind of love I've been searching for all my life. The love was from a single Person, from many people. Love is all around indeed. He loves me and has been loving me. The people around me are His angels of love to me. I kept searching for a love that has always been here for me all along.

A love that defies logic. It sees all the flaws, all the pains, all the tears, all the ugliness, all the scars, all the possibilities in me. It accepts me, just as I am, sins and all. Yet it hopes for more for me, for God's best for me because I deserve no less. That's what true love is.

I am loved as much as I have allowed myself to be known. How much of me have I made known to the ForeRunners community? I want to be as transparent as possible but it requires a fair amount of courage which I lack. I have only let few people into my heart because I fear. I fear that they will leave me after they know more.

But I know that fear isn't from You Lord. Free me from that fear.

2006-07-10T19:51:00.000+08:00

You judged me. You judged me for what I am, and what I have not - ie. savings in my bank account. You told me you don't want to suffer in the future, neither do I. I don't want to suffer with someone who looks down on me because of what I don't have.

I am angry because you judged me. You who claimed that you 'loved' me. I know what love is and it isn't what you claimed you feel for me.

I see and feel more love from God, from my friends, from my family. Their unconditional acceptance of me, their wishing and hoping for more for me, their celebrating and rejoicing at how far I've come in my life, their support and cheers whenever I stumble and fall, their hugs when I need assurance, their comfort when things in my life suck, etc.

From someone who was scarcely ready to give or commit, you led me to give more to you, to commit to you. You led me to believe that you were more. In truth, you are not.

I will not waste any more of my time, or any of my efforts, or any piece of my heart, or any of my tears on guys like you. Until I've come to a clearer understanding of what a relationship is, of my boundaries, I refuse to waste any more of my efforts on guys the like of you. My list may not be very firmed up right now coz I haven't given much thought to it yet, but I know one thing for sure:

He must be a Christian who can see me through the eyes of God. Then only will he appreciate how far God has brought me in my life and appreciate me for the unique being that God has made me. He will not judge me for what I am, neither will he judge me for what I have not. I will be loved and accepted just for who I am.

So save your "I'm sorry"; "I know it's my fault" for someone else who can be bothered with you. You, have hurt me in the worst way possible by judging me with your yardstick of what a person should have, should be doing. At least the others ran back to their exes, ended the relationship amicably so that we are able to remain friends even today. You, in your own hurtful way, told me that Im not good enough for you.

Newsflash: I am good enough, not because I say that I am. But because God says I am. I am good enough because He chose to send His Son to die on the cross for my sins. I am good enough because He loves me no matter what.

Grandma has been discharged from the hospital today. Thank God.

2006-07-09T20:32:00.000+08:00

Last Friday was a mad day for me. When I got home after cell, I was so positively tired I couldn't go out to join Shym and Rosie for a hang out time in town. Is it any wonder I slept very well that night? Haha~

My grandma was admitted to the hospital on Friday after the doctor at the polyclinic advised that my dad bring my grandma to the A&E due to her irregular heartbeat. So I went to CGH to join my dad in the wait for grandma's bed, for my appointment with the doctor.

Dad had to go back home to pick up something so he left me with grandma. By my appointment time, he didn't come back. He told me to leave my grandma wherever she was and to go for my appointment, and he'll come find her. -___-" Of course I couldn't do that, so I brought grandma along with me to the clinic.

My dad is a little hard of hearing. I had to shout at him over the phone so he could hear me. That is a very stressful thing. I mean imagine the people around and what they would be thinking! -___-"

Anywayz, dad came to the clinic and brought grandma down to A&E to wait for her bed. I went down after my appointment and they were waiting for the porter to send her to the ward. My dad was supposed to meet my mother around that time in Tampines to go to the HDB office to settle some paperwork. So he asked if I could stay with grandma while he left. After some thought, I relented.

So I followed grandma to the ward, entertained the nurses and doctor, and grandma. She's demented so she makes quite a lot of noise. It's quite tough to even take her temperature when she's so difficult. I had to pacify her. I had to leave after she was settled coz I had to go to cell.

It was a tiring day for me. And I've done the 'parenting' thing again.

My Mama will be going to the hospital in 2 weeks' time coz she needs a surgery and she'll be admitted to KK on 20th, surgery on the 21st.

Bro went to the HDB office to get his share of the paperwork done and came back with news that we owe HDB property tax and conservancy charges?? That's another item on my already-full plate.

I'm not married but I have 2 adult kids who need me to take care of them. I've been doing the parenting for a long time already. I thank God for His grace to sustain me through the many years I've been doing the parenting. I'm tired.

I don't know how to reach out to people and depend on them because I've been taught all my life, by my mother, that it's not a good thing to do. When people do you favors, you owe them favors in return. It's not good to be indebted to people. So I come up with solutions to problems on my own, freak out on my own, have a breakdown on my own, and repeat the cycle all over again.

I'm tired of that. I'm not self-sufficient. I know I may appear to be, but really, I don't know everything. I can't do everything on my own. I need to depend on people, and I'm only learning to do that now.

Like I always said, I'm a survivor, I've always survived whatever circumstances that came my way. For too long, I've felt like a victim of the circumstances. I've been thrown this way and that by things that happened, by people I meet. I'm tired of that. God is in control of all things and I have a choice to respond to the things that happen.

This time, I will survive better than ever before because I have God, I have friends whom I am depending on to get through this crazy ride of life with me. *deep breaths* I am all right; I will be all right.

2006-07-06T23:46:00.000+08:00

I was doing my QT the other day (am using the 40 day Prayer Guide for Love Singapore) and the first two days of the guide was about Repentance. What a timely reminder from God to clean out my closet first before I could get myself right with Him. :) It's a wonder how He works sometimes. :)

During the almost 2 months absence from church, I was seeing someone. He was not a Christian. I fooled myself into thinking that I'll be able to bring him to church and that since he wasn't opposed to going to church, it won't be that bad a thing to be with him, right? After all, I figured, God might be using me to bring him to Christ. So I got into a relationship with him.

The Holy Spirit was prompting me that the relationship was wrong because it was taking me away from God. I wasn't leading a life above the board, in the light He's placed me in. Instead, I was doing the running-away-from-people-in-church thing because I knew I was so wrong. I was always talking about how I would never get involved with someone who's not a Christian, but seriously, I always had my doubts. My darling sister Serene knew me best. Haha!

So begun a whirlwind romance which lasted a grand total of a month odd. Then he broke my heart by breaking up with me over sms. Over sms! I've had my fair share of breakup stories and this had to be the first time a guy broke up with me over sms! It is the first time. Lol~

My heart was broken, my tears fell like a dam was broken. I had lotsa of self doubt which surfaced during the relationship. I felt like I was consistently compared to others and the fact that I was 'different' coz I wasn't working. That was a huge topic of contention. I felt I had to prove myself to him and his family that I wasn't a good-for-nothing person that I saw through his eyes.

I was desperate for a job and settled for this part-time data entry job which I only survived for a day. (Cut long story short: OT was required. I started work at 1.30pm and ended at nearly 11.30pm on my first day of work. -___-") I had to fork out some money as compensation to the employment agency because I didn't fulfill my contract term of 2 months.

That didn't do too much for my self-esteem, no, it didn't. I had barely regained enough self-esteem and this incident just whacked me right where it hurt the most. Still, I was desperate to prove that I was not a good-for-nothing. I had a purpose! I had a mission in life! I had a reason for being here!

But sadly, I forgot that I only have a purpose, a mission and a reason because of Christ who died on the cross for my sins. I chose a life away from Him, I chose a life of sin.

Because of the break up, I left my heart vulnerable and broken again. But then, I thank God for His sovereignty. Because He intervened, I am once again back where I belong. Because He intervened, I am right where I am supposed to be - in the light, walking with Him and with my fellow brothers and sisters-in-Christ.

I read The Parable of the Prodigal Son found in Luke 15:11-31. God celebrates my homecoming and welcomes me with open arms. It is His great love for me that allowed me to wander off, but never too far from Him. It is His great love that pursued me and never left me alone till I was back with Him. It is His great love that I feel from the loved ones around me who welcomed me with warm hugs and tremendous support.

Now I not only know, but I feel the love of God in my life, in my heart. :)

I read an sms a brother sent me during my 'disappearance' taken from Psalm 139:14- I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. I didn't see the relevance then, but of course I do now. :) It was His reassurance during my period of self-doubt when I was supposed to be 'loved' by someone. Ironic that the 'love' didn't free me as love should. *shrugs*

God's love is just amazing. Today I stand here, stripped of my pride and all, and ask for your forgiveness as I went ahead wilfully and did my own thing. I stumbled and fell and here I am back again, into His safe folds of love. Teach me to never wander from You again my Lord. Ingrain this painful experience into my heart that I may never forget the price I pay for being wilful. Teach me to make You my everything. Lord I am only human and I forget and get tempted. But I pray O Lord, that Your love will keep me safe and strong. Lord, it is only in You that I have a reason, a meaning, a purpose for being here. I give myself to You Lord.

As for him, forgiveness doesn't come easy. But I have to forgive each and every moment I feel venom creeping up from the inside. That would help my healing and I wanna move forward, not backwards or sideways into another destructive relationship. It's not worth it. He wasn't worth it.

Please pray along with me and watch out for me, yeah? :)

I'm only learning to depend and rely on the people God has placed in my life instead of being the one who is self-sufficient, who doesn't know how to need other people coz she's so used to being on her own, providing her own solutions, solving her own problems. I am tired of that, seriously.

Come fill me up Lord Jesus, as I cling onto You. Your love is worth fighting for. If I had to be a fool, I'll be a fool for You Lord. Teach me abandonment for You. Utter and complete abandonment for You. Because Lord, only You are worth it. :)

Amen.

2006-07-05T20:00:00.000+08:00

I'm tired of all the yoyo-ing that I go through everyday. I want it to end, right now, right this moment. You were the one who walked away, so why should I be the one to pay?

I'm tired of all the memories that resurface now and then. I'm tired of going to places and remembering our time there. I'm tired of the tears that I cry when the pain gets too much. I'm tired of the times I can't breathe when the memories and pain stifle me. I'm tired of the emotional yoyo that I go through everyday!

I wanna leave it all behind, all the month of madness, all of you behind. But the ghost of you keeps coming back to haunt me, makes me hard for me to concentrate on other things. All because of you.

I have my part to play in it too. Afterall I was the one who allowed you into my life, I was the one who wandered from God and His safe folds of love to wander into a relationship with you, I was the one who foolishly believed that I could give up everything He has blessed me with for you, I was the one who believed everything you said to me, I was the one who gave you my heart.

What do you want me to say to you? That I'm ok now and that I'm totally unaffected by what you did? You hurt me, you broke my heart.

I choose to forgive you for the hurt you've dealt me because I don't want to carry a tonne of venom with me into all the relationships I have with everyone around me. My life has to go on, with or without you. I thought we had a future together, I thought we wanted the same thing. I was wrong.

I choose to forgive myself because I can't deal with the pain of not forgiving. I've spent too many years being unhappy, being depressed, being angry that I told myself that I would make up for those 'lost years' when I left the hospital in April.

I wish I had never met you.

2006-06-25T21:15:00.000+08:00

我又重开笑颜了。：)

从他们的眼中看到我是被爱的、是被珍惜的、是重要的。从他们对我的一字一句、一举一动，我感受到无比的爱。这爱把我的心填得满满的。此刻的我好想告诉全世界：我好幸福、好幸福！

有了你们的爱，我知道我可以重新站起来。有了你们的爱，我有了继续走下去的勇气。有了你们的爱，我知道就算我再傻，你们都不会欺负我。有了你们的爱，我知道你们都在为我加油、打气。有了你们的爱，
我知道就算我遇到再大的事，我都有你们罩着。有了你们的爱，我知道无论我多胡闹，你们的爱和拥抱永远等着我回来。

今天，你们的拥抱让我觉得好幸福、好幸福。我知道他一直等着我回到他的身边。我知道他一直等着我回到他的爱，他那无私、至上的爱。我知道他一直没有放弃我。我知道他一直在不停地追寻着我，不让我从他的身边离得太远。

从他的眼中，我看到我是他的无价之宝、他的心肝宝贝、他的至爱、他的掌上明珠。他因为爱我，所以给了我一切。他因为爱我，所以原谅我的放纵、胡闹。他因为爱我，所以给了我存在的理由。他因为爱我，所以给了我生命里的每一次呼吸。他因为爱我，所以给了我生活中的每一个爱我的人。他因为爱我，所以给了我每一个署光、每一个日落，还有天空里的每一颗星星、每一道彩虹。他因为爱我，所以只想把天底下最好的一切给我。

他是如此地深爱着我。。。

我胡闹了一个多月了。是时候回到他的身边了。不要再自欺欺人了吧！：)

就这样，我又有展开笑颜的理由了。吸一口气，我这个傻瓜又要重新开始了！：)

2006-06-21T10:59:00.000+08:00

You Communicate With Your Ears

You love conversations, both as a listener and a talker.
What people say is important to you, and you're often most affected by words, not actions.
You love to hear complements from others. And when you're upset, you often talk to yourself.
Music is very important to you. It's difficult to find you without your iPod.

How Do You Communicate?

2006-06-18T22:00:00.000+08:00

We had a DVD marathon at Hairul's from Thursday night to Friday night. We started the evening with the yawn-inducing Brokeback Mountain. I'm really sorry to say this, but I really don't see the big fat deal with that show. It was yawn and sleep-inducing, to say the least. There were many moments during that show I could've just shut my eyes and kissed the world goodnight.

The next on the menu was supposed to be this gay show called Queer As Folk There's the British and there's the American version. We played the British version first, but err...no subtitles, thick British accent = cannot understand what the heck is going on.

So we stopped that and went onto this gem of a series which will never get to see the daylight in Singapore -->>THE L WORD

From the first 15 mins of the show, I was hooked. The sleepiness that Brokeback Mountain left me in dissipated as soon as I heard the witty conversations and the hot hot hot girls in the show!

Between the 2 shows, I definitely dig The L Word more. Somehow, the whole lesbian making out comes across as more sensual and less wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am than the whole gays making out thing.

The lesbians featured in the show were mostlyLipstick Lesbian: A feminine woman who is attracted to other feminine women. Definition taken off this site.

The show definitely opened up my mind and vocabulary more with the introduction of a mind-boggling word - Lesbian-identified male. Yeap, I'm still like grasping with the concept even after my dear Rosie googled the word and explained it to me. The whole idea is mind-boggling and I still don't understand it. If any of you kind folks can put it across to me in a way that I'll be able to comprehend, please do that, yeah?

Err...I'll try to put up a post about the whole thing another time. I'm not quite thinking straight right now while watching the Japan vs Croatia match.

Toodles!

2006-06-15T12:31:00.000+08:00

Was at Shima's chalet over the weekend and it was all quite fun, but exhausting due to the lack of sleep. I got there on Friday and was chatting with Rosie till 5am? We both tried to get some sleep but it was impossible coz my tummy was growling with hunger. So we went to Macs for breakkie and right after that, I was sleepy! Haha! I slept around 7 and got woken up by the kids by 9 coz we promised to bring them to Wild Wild Wet for a day of fun. Hee!

We got changed and started our day of fun by 11 and it didn't end till 6pm! By 5ish I was already rather tired but I must say it was a lovely, lovely day! :) I couldn't imagine me having so much fun in Wild Wild Wet, but I did! The kids were great, the weather was great, Rosie was great. Hee! :)

Though it wasn't a hot day, I was still sunburnt... -___-" But it's getting better now. Hee! ;)

Some of Shima's friends planned a sabotage for her birthday but I think Shima's reaction to the whole sabotage was rather scary. I'd agree with Elmo for saying that she took the "tough girl" thing a wee bit too far. But I hope she enjoys her pressie which she absolutely squealed for. Lol~

Life's back to normal somewhat, I think. I'm still trying to get my life going. To rebuild my life, to have a life I can be proud of. I'm working towards that and I just gotta be patient with myself coz these things will take time. 1 step at a time, which is what I gotta do. *deep breaths*

World Cup mania all around at the moment. :) Enjoy the month of madness!

2006-05-23T18:57:00.000+08:00

I went to the Tampines library today and I felt like a fish outta water! The last time I was there was eons ago because I owed them some money *blush*... But it's all resolved now! *beams*

Ok, so I was there, looking for a few books to fill my time, but to my horror, I couldn't find the books in the space I thought they occupied! Cannot be wat...they stop loaning fiction books ah??

So I went up to the counter and said,
"Hi! I'm sorry I'm so out of touch but I can't seem to find the fiction books? Can you tell me where to find them?"

The lady very nicely smiled at me and pointed me to a room where the books were now "hiding". Haha!

I managed to find 2 interesting books that should keep me occupied for a little while and after that, I sat on the couch available to do a spot of reading. I enjoyed my time there. I've always loved the library. To me, it's like a treasure trove with tonnes of books I could escape to because of the largely-unhappy life I've always had.

I could go to the library and spend hours there, simply reading and enjoying the solitude of being on my own, only with the books for company. I enjoy my time alone like that. :) Now that I've found the 2 books, I could probably bring them along with me to a nice cafe or something so I could while my time away reading. Such a leisurely lifestyle for someone who can scarcely afford it. *laffs*

I went to the job agency just now and took some tests so I'm waiting for the answer. Might not be the best of time for me to start work right now coz of the DISCIPLE retreat and church camp coming up. =/ I saw an interesting job offer for an Editorial Assistant which I've applied for. God knows what I'm ready to do at this point in time, but I do wanna do something.

I was coping fine at KK and I think I did a pretty decent job. But I just dun think I wanna go back there so I'd wanna find another job. The Editorial Assistant looks interesting. I'll pray hard, so you guys pray along with me, yeah? Hehe! ;)

I saw some travel books and they inspired me to go get a job, save up and go travelling. *smiles* The travel spots look good and tempting. I should really go borrow some of them and start looking for a job and go travel some! Woohoo!

I'd really love to write a post about my love affair...with books, but far too much for me to write. Another day, yeah? Heh!

2006-05-22T13:26:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling a myriad of emotions. Could be due to the PMS that's acting up right now even as I anticipate the arrival of my monthly visitor. *laffs*

Anywayz, life has been ok, I guess. Took up this bring-kids-around-on-trails job. My first trial was last Thursday, at the airport. I had to be there at 7am even though I slept at close to 3 the night before. It was frankly, quite exhausting coz I had to speak very loudly to make myself heard by the group I was bringing around. Thankfully, the group consisted mainly of girls, so it wasn't that bad.

But then again, there were the handful of boys that I had to personally escort coz they kept doing their own thang! *faints* It was exhausting, did I mention that earlier? Another trial awaits this Wednesday so I'd best make sure I get enough rest on Tuesday. *slaps forehead* If anyone said this was easy money, I'll slap him/ her.

Was talking to Rozie yesterday about what happened to her on Saturday night and I do hope things are better already. I hope everyone who went at least a good time, for the amount they spent on the entry ticket!

Caught up with Nick last week and am glad to know that he and Irene are doing okay. He's one of the oldest friends I met thru IRC and when we (Rozie and Anna were there too) were talking, I suddenly realized that I've known that fella for at least 6 years already! And also his countless girlfriends in between. Wakakaka! He looks so subdued these days, no longer the diao er lang dang guy that I used to know. I hope life's good to him.

One of the girls I brought around the trial has invited me to visit her church this Sunday. It is definitely not a coincidence. I know God misses me as much as I miss Him. All the weeks apart from Him are not doing me any good. Visiting the girl's church would be good, yeah? At least to get myself back on track with Him. He's done so much for me in my life and it's the least I can and must do.

I've applied for a part-time data entry job. Let's hope all goes well.

2006-05-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

Was at the OT today and we discussed the issue of me being therapist/ mediator/ parent to my ma and pa. She reminded me that I needed to take care of myself and that the people around me needs to learn to grow up. I love her for saying that! Haha! I've been playing the above roles for the longest time and I'm honestly tired.
I want to be taken care of instead of being the one who takes care of people all the time.
We also talked about church stuff and she gave me a suggestion that I'm seriously considering taking up.
I dunno what happened to me, but something in me has changed. It's like, I finally see the light for the first time in my life. I realize that I have the choice to make myself happy or sad and you know what? I choose to be happy. I want to be happy and free, like a child. Like the child I never was. I was forced to grow up too early and I've lived many years of my life in the shadow of a childhood incident. I'm tired of all that. I'm tired of wearing the label of someone who's recovering with a load of baggage.
I just wanna be free. I just want to be happy. I don't need or want reminders of the unhappy person I've always been.
I am happy now.
Pardon me for not blogging too much about things that are happening in my life.

2006-05-07T14:10:00.000+08:00

Been doing some many Tickle.Com tests, thanks to one very-addicted Hana! *lol* So many that I don't know what I've done, but bless the ppl at Tickle.Com who actually keep a tab of the tests I've done and the results that were garnered. Haha~

It's a pretty hot Sunday. Wasn't at church today coz my foot is hurting again. Urgh! Shall go see the doctor tomorrow just to make sure it's ok and nothing's wrong with it. I took an X-ray recently and all was ok according to the doctors. Then why is it still hurting on and off?

I received an sms frm SN Lim who asked me if I'll like to go back to work at KK coz of the good feedback from the staff there. Wooosh...I'm like very very flattered! *blush* Considering the talk that I had from the Sister about my attendance while I was still working there. It really made my day! Haha~!

Gotta sleep early each night and carry out the schedule as planned with the OT!

2006-05-05T23:08:00.000+08:00

I cried last night because I was heartbroken. I was heartbroken not because of some lousy loser lame guy (thank God!) but because I saw someone's happy sparkling fairylights squashed outta her.

Cruelly and abruptly, the lights just went out. *SNAP* :(

She is my mother. My mother was talking with me excitedly about redoing the house and getting some new furniture and stuff. She was flipping through the IKEA catalogue and pointing to the new stuff she and I had talked about getting to Dad. Yes, the man she's married to for at least 28 years who squashed the happy sparkling fairylights out of her by being so mean and rude.

I was heartbroken for her...I tried asking him if he had a bad day or was in a bad mood, but he dismissively talked about something else and went off to bed. :( I was sms-ing Ogy about this incident and I was crying while lying on my bed the whole time. :(

I asked Ma today if she was angry with my dad, she just told me in her own beautiful way - " No lah, I'm not angry. I'm used to it already. Don't blame your father, ok? He's just trying to be thrifty." She then proceeded to clean the house.

I gave her a hug and just started crying after that. I'm still getting all teary when I write this coz I just never realise the sacrifice this Ma of mine has been making for the family and the extent of all the nonsense she has to put up with.

I wonder what she was like before she married my Pa. I saw her old piccies before and I reckon she was quite a trendy and happy person. Piccies of her in ultra mini skirts and sky high platform shoes with Jackie-O style sunnies flash across my mind. Yeah, my ma...

Sometimes she'll tell me things like - "It's better to stay single than get married." I wonder if it's because she's unhappy inside... :( She's a great Ma and the best I could ever have. Her quirkiness and sometimes silly character only makes her more lovable.

I only wish I could tell that husband of hers to treat her with more respect and more love. Gosh! What is it with men? Just because she's your wife doesn't mean you have the right to treat her like that! Who taught you that??

No wonder I'm so alpha. I'm like my Ma's champion advocate since Grandma (dad's ma) was staying with us. She's very fond of badmouthing my Ma in front of me and I'll never fail to stand up for my Ma. Given my limited Hokkien at that time, I could only get very frustrated at not being able to rebute my Grandma effectively.

I've been doing that since I was little coz Ma would leave us in the care of Grandma when she went off to work. Things only got better for everyone when Grandma went to stay in a nursing home.

I thought I'm over the issue of my Grandma already...Why do I still feel a surge of indignant anger rising up in me as I write? =|

I've been home the entire day (skipped cell and an invitation from my darling Ogy :()coz of my left leg and right foot. Right foot is hurting and I'm gonna stand firm and not see a Chinese sinseh. No offence to TCM but it's just that if it's a sore tendon, there's no amount of rubbing and twisting that will 'unsore' it. It needs to be left alone and allowed to heal on its own. Period.

I will give in and let my Ma rub on the bruise on my left knee coz at least that's something I can agree with! ~lol~ Ok, I will just tahan the pain, ok? *whiny pout*

Ok, I'm gonna watch "love Me if You Dare" now.

2006-05-04T20:34:00.000+08:00

Esther, your crush is the Boy Next Door

Whoever said nice guys finish last was wrong. Whether he lives next door or across town, an honest and hunky hottie will win the heart of a sweet thing like you. You've got your eyes open for a good guy who's responsible and trustworthy. The kind who'll call when he says he will, make you mix CDs, take you out to the movies (and always offer to pay), and treat you like gold — as any guy should!

Nice doesn't have to mean boring, after all. You and your crush will have loads of fun whether you're goofing around at the mall, tearing it up on the dance floor, renting a movie, or sharing a romantic walk. Now that'll get the neighbors talking!

Taken off www.tickle.com

I went to IKEA today to get some stuff. OO! We're gonna redo our house, well, at least a bit of our home. :) It makes me so excited! :) Am gonna be busy planning/ decorating/ thinking, etc. *excited* :D

Then I slipped on a small puddle of oil and landed on my left knee. The skin's broken and Lynn predicted it will bruise by tomorrow. :( And my right foot sprain is still giving me problems, even worse now coz I actually gotta take the painkiller to stop the pain before I can sleep. :( *sob* *sob*

Someone buy me a wheelchair!

Appetite not very good. Hungry today but didn't eat much coz the smell of food turns me off. :( I haven't eaten my dinner yet either coz I don't feel like eating but there's a pomfret waiting for me. *smiles* My ma so sweet.

My pa is mean today coz he kept speaking very rudely to my ma. :(

Am gonna attempt a country theme for my room. Any ideas? Any must-haves for a country-theme room? :) Tag me! :D

2006-05-03T07:32:00.000+08:00

I am highly productive today cos I've a lappie here with me wirelessly connected to the Net, my brains are constantly tickled by the material I come across on the Net.

What is beauty? Goes beyond the looks to the character. So many people are beautiful to me just because of the person that they are - my mother, my father, etc. More than just the looks. Then why am I so hung up about the way I look?

Love. Just a short one coz I came across a blog that made me tear. I don't know why I teared when I was reading a particular entry on a blog that Ogy showed me. I saw them once when I was with Ogy and Shim at PS after a late night movie. My first reaction? I was hugely uncomfortable.

But I saw the way people were attacking them for the way they choose to lead their lives and I feel the pain in my heart for them. Are they not human beings too? Just because you do not accept or understand the way they have chosen to lead their lives in the way that they intertwine does not give you the right to insult nor say mean things about them. It doesn't give you the right to judge them. In simpler words, who died and made you God?

I'm still processing why I teared for them, but I'm far too spent to write more coherently. This is an amazing night/ early morning for my blog. Lol~ The entries that I've produced when I'm sleep-deprived. ;)

It was nice chatting with him. ;)

2006-05-03T04:02:00.000+08:00

The current theme song of my life is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

It's not directed at anyone in particular; more like a summary of my feelings about the relationships and boys in my life so far. As a result of the past hurts, pains, disappointments, I'm learning to play it safe and never to stray too far from the sidewalk. I'd be lying if I said I was not afraid anymore and ready to love coz I'm still scared, very scared.

In my heart of hearts, dream of dreams, he would come along and love me, protect me, comfort me, encourage me, journey with me, grow with me, yet bearing with me, forgiving me...In reality, it's a far-fetched idea that would only happen in Hollywood romance flicks. I don't believe such a person exist, even if he does, he exists to do all of those to someone else and not me. Just not me.

Was there someone who was nice to me? I know there were, but it all ended in heartache so I'm inclined to ask - What's the point in being nice to me only to be cruel in the end? The heartache did not happen once or twice; it happened more than that.

Partly, I believe it's my fault. See, I've this faulty guy-radar (someone else I know has a gay-dar, but that's a different story) that tells me whether a guy is good or not. So far, it's been real faulty because of the times I've gotten my poor heart broken. I've gotta get that radar fixed, you know coz I don't wanna get my heart broken no more.

I was clearing out old stuff from my cabinets the other day and came across a card and a letter from an old flame. Reading the words so romantically and beautifully crafted made tears run down my face. How could such passion and "love" run so cold and turn itself into a steel knife to slice my heart into so many pieces? I have no answer for that.

I believe, it's the desire of every girl to meet the man of her dreams who'll grow old with her, allow her to love him the way she knows how and to be loved in return. I know, in words, it all seems so simple, but my sense of reality tells me otherwise. The romantics out there can disagree with me; I've no problem with that. :) My heartiest congratulations to you if you've found that someone, guy or girl to share your life and paint out a future with. :)

I want that too. I seriously do. I'm just a weary girl who wants to grow with someone, who wants to love and be loved in return. In simple plain English, I'm just that.

Now, the topic of love is worthy of another post altogether. I shall perhaps reserve it for another late night of musing.

Pleasant day everyone. :)

2006-05-03T02:04:00.000+08:00

MUSIC IN BACKGROUND: DO THE HUSTLE

I wish I could do the Hustle now! But I'm in McDees with Ogy and it'll make me look really silly and bordering on mad if I were to get up and boogie eh? Lol~ O I just did a random silly thing - banged my head against this decorative wooden columns thing while laughing. LoL~

I'm in a better mood, as you can see. Gotta learn to take lots of things a lot slower after my rest period. Gotta learn lots of things from scratch. Sighs. Long road ahead but the Occupational Therapist made the journey seem exciting and something I can look forward to. :) Pray with me on this, ok? :)

I'm really glad I came out tonight with Ogy and Yun coz it really made my night to spend time with them. We had laughs (actually make that lots of laughs! I was in stitches!), shared some heartbreaking news (sighs :(), etc. Remind me the Milo at the kopi shop near Yun's place tastes like drain water. Eeks...

Ogy is studying. I just called her Rosie. She laughed, I shuddered! Why is it funny or bloggable? I dunno. Lol~ You should be here with us la. LoL~

Ok, it's late and my brains aren't working...I'm blogging nonsense like she said I would. :P

Just a note to you:
I know you are hurting and the tears that you cry. I wish I could hold you and make it all right... :( Hang tough my dear, we're all here with you.

2006-04-15T16:02:00.000+08:00

Finally a break is in order. Thank God. Please excuse me while I rest.

2006-04-14T19:54:00.000+08:00

I'm such a no-lifer. Sms-ed ppl to go out but nobody has the slightest interested to even respond to me. Fuck it. Fuck all of you. I hate you.

These 3 weeks have been hell for me. And as much as I say this during my darkest moments of depression, this time I'm very close to losing it. To just swallow extra pills so that I won't wake up prematurely. Swallow them down with a dash of vodka just to ensure that I sleep well and long. Yeap. Highly tempting.

Nothing that tells me that I shouldn't be doing them either.

I'm highly selective of the people I want around me at this point in time. I don't trust some of them to understand what I'm going through and so it's easier to relate to strangers who don't know me personally to offer me their worthless piece of advice that barely soothes the wounds inside me.

I know it's kind intentions that makes them do that, but seriously, I don't need the generic crap and all other stuff that does NOT make me feel better. Don't try if you don't know how to. I'm too frustrated and angry and depressed to try to explain to you how to help me either.

I don't even tell my parents how I'm feeling right now coz I'm just like a fucking burden. I can't contribute to the financial situation at home and there's really nothing I can do at this moment to help make things better. Some things need to be done by other people and I'm tasked with telling them that they need to contribute. I've done the talking, now it's waiting to see if they would respond.

Otherwise, I'm just gonna move onto the next game plan which is more drastic but would ensure more of a future for my getting older folks. Let's just wait and see yeah.

I need the space to get better and to get over my own trauma. I can't do it with all the stupid noises and responsibilities around me.

I wanna run away and just be free for a while. To rest and recuperate. I don't need to hear that I can run but I cannot hide. Just let me go run so I can breathe for a bit. You don't know what it's like to be me or go through the pain and trauma I've been through. So don't offer me your worthless piece of advise that would supposedly help me or bring me to the light. Just fuck off.

OOOOOO...*bites fingernail* Am I gonna offend people with this angst-ridden piece?

2006-04-10T23:46:00.000+08:00

The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

BEWARE: The Hornivore

CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy, The Boy Next Door

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: matilda_rose

2006-04-05T18:09:00.000+08:00

So it's not a muscle sTrain, but a slight ankle sPrain. There's a reason why my GP is the doctor and I'm the patient. Well, coz I thought it was a muscle sTrain but until I saw him on Monday, I never knew that it was a slight sPrain. And there I've been for the past 2 weeks or so, experiencing the ocassional hobble and pain. And it definitely didn't help that I had to run around the clinic when I was working.

You know, even though the doctor said that it's a minor sPrain, it still hurts like crazy. I get the limp now and then. I can't sleep without the pain in my ankle waking me up to adjust my foot so it won't hurt. Sighs.

I've called up the agency and told them that I can't work with my ankle like this and that it won't be fair to the clinic to wait for me to go back. She said she'll get back to me but it's 6 plus in the evening already and she hasn't gotten back to me.

I've called her office but no one answered the call. Hmm...how like that?

I've seen my doctor twice this week already and I'm very broke. I can't afford to see my doctor more just to get mc to cover me till my ankle is better. It's much too expensive!

On a better note, I've realised that I really need to slow down a lot more and take things slower so I could work on my recovery/ healing. I've been rushing myself too much since the 2 episodes last year which took a while to get out from.

S L O W D O W N !!!

I shall be wise and heed His timing.

2006-03-29T21:11:00.000+08:00

So today was an exciting day for me. The clinic in the morning was challenging, so was the afternoon clinic. Heh! Some very interesting cases came by and I pray for the kids that they'll be all right.
There was a "Code Blue" in the clinic next door so my doctor had to rush out in the middle of a consultation. I pray that kid will be all right too.
Today was a good day for me.
Thank You God for sustaining me thru the day and the past week too.
Last week was horrible but I thank God that I'm better this week.
Have multiple hats to wear and I can only depend on His strength and His love to be an overcomer! *prays intently*
I'm really happy today! Whoop-dee-doo! :D

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

So Saturday was a let-down. I had a good time in the tuition ministry though. Thank God for His inspiration and His love to see me through the lesson with the kids. They were rowdy at times and little mishaps happened here and there. But thank God that everything went well and I do hope they did have a good a time as I did!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

So I do want to get into nursing school. The possibilities are limitless and there are so many disciplines that I'm interested in. Ahh but well, in His hands and in His plans! :D

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Off to an exciting remainder of the week ahead!
Thurs: Da Vinci Code seminar
Fri : Crab dinner with cell
Sat : Mt E, tuition ministry, dinner with Swee Ching & PH!

Whoop-dee-doooo!

God bless everyone! :D

2006-03-22T21:25:00.000+08:00

I'm tired... :( I slept on the bus on my way home just now. The "head-nodding-to-the-left", "head-nodding-to-the-right" thing happened to me. Sighs. All the running around in the clinic is giving me shapely legs. Lol!

My right ankle is still strained. Gotta rest it somehow.

*yawns*

I felt lousy yesterday and felt like crying while I was on the bus home.

I feel dizzy at work everyday. I have sinusitis.

I'm not making sense.

I'm tired...

Night!

2006-02-23T21:23:00.000+08:00

Turner syndrome (TS) is a chromosomal condition that describes girls and women with common features that are caused by complete or partial absence of the second sex chromosome. TS occurs when one of the two X chromosomes normally found in females is missing or contains certain structural defects. The syndrome is named after Dr. Henry Turner, who was among the first to describe its features in the 1930s. TS occurs in approximately 1 in 2,000 live female births. -http://www.turner-syndrome-us.org/about/

I'm enjoying my work in KK. :) I'm also excited and inspired by it enough to wanna go do my Dip in Nursing again. :) I was there slightly more than 10 years ago and I left before my 1st year final exam.

I see the vision of a candle I have that I use to light the candles of those who are in pain or suffering. Just to bring a spot of light into their lives. That makes me smile. :)

I'd prefer paeds onco or palliative care. One of my friends who's a nurse thinks I'm crazy. ~Lol~ I know people generally feel down when they are sick, but in these two disciplines, they feel a whole lot worse. All the more I wanna bring my candle into their lives to give them that spot of light. :)

I've applied already so it's all in God's hands now. *opens palms sky-ward to release the result to Him* Do pray with me, yeah? :)

I'm learning new things from the various disciplines I'm rotated to assist in and it's been great. Hospitals have always been my best working environment. :)

People-related, task-oriented. That's what nursing is about, ain't it? :)

2006-02-10T00:17:00.000+08:00

O my goodness! I just saw the encore telecast of the Grammys this year and I sooooo :heart: the song by Linkin Park/ Jay Z/ Sir Paul McCartney! It's just sooo good! Did you catch it? Heh! :) Thoroughly enjoyed it. :) Chester looked so good, no? :)

Shinoda-san still got your heart Shim! I sooo know it when you were telling me about him just now! *giggles*

John Legend is talented hor. Heh! And I thought I saw Randy Jackson playing the bass during the tribute segment to Sly and the Family Stone? Anyone can confirm that? Hee!

Anywayz, I collected my uniforms earlier today, bought stockings that I need to wear (*rolls eyes*), insoles to support my fattening body (*downcast eyes*). I've already bought the shoes I need for work. Guess I'm all set. Yay! (^-^)

Shim and I tried the Portobello Mushroom Burger from Carl Jr's and it was just fantastic, I tell ya~! The beef patty was just sooo juicy and the mushrooms were lovely too. We also had the Beef Chilli Cheese Fries which was really good too! :) She already asked me when we are heading back there next! *lol*

The songs they were playing while we were having dinner were all karoke numbers, including: - Love me for a reason by BoyZone, Sukiyaki by 4PM, etc. If we both had the budget, we'd have gone to a KTV to belt out those numbers already! We'll go after she comes back from Aussieland. Whoopeee!

Ok, think I'm gonna find something to eat/ sleep/ watch Judging Amy on Hallmark. Haven't quite decided yet. ;P

2006-02-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

Just thought I'll post a photo. I heard photos get greater exposure = higher readership. *evil sniggers*

We had crabs at this coffeeshop in AMK and the food was just fabulous! Do try it out if you haven't already. It's the coffeeshop opposite Mayflower Secondary School. Don't have the exact address but if you are interested, I can find out for you. If anyone is even reading my blog lah...

Anywayz, there was a gathering my ex-colleagues had last week but I was too wussy to go coz I wanted to avoid all the questions of," So what are you doing now?", "How've you been?", blah blah blah. I'm just not up to answering these questions, so I wussed outta the gathering. Hope to meet up with Ivan, when he comes back to town next. Also hoping to meet up with Mr Tan, when he's free. *lol*

So I'm glad to know that Shim's leave application for her trip to Down Under with some of the girls have been approved. Hurray! :D

I went blading again today and had a great time! I nearly fell but thank God I didn't. Still making slow progress coz I'm still gliding forward slowly. I'm quite desperate to learn to brake with brake pad before I go just a little wee bit faster. I'm addicted to blading! :D

I want my own blades! Friend says Queensway has them cheaper. So I'm gonna save up and get them blades by end March! Remind me of this k!

Meanwhile, this looks pretty... *-*

I just broke my own record. 2 photos in a single post. *lol*

Ok, I'm bored. Toodles! (^-^)/~

2006-02-03T14:10:00.000+08:00

I am the last person in the world, along with my friend Shim to catch this:

I loved it. The visuals were stunning, the colors spectacular. Gong Li was wonderful. Shim and I agreed that a sideways glance from her would freeze us in our tracks. Hee~ ;) Go watch it if you haven't already. :)

~ * ~ * ~

CNY was good this year. Spent loads of time with family and friends. Only thing that cast a gloomy shadow over the gathering at my eldest uncle's place was my missing 4th uncle. He kinda took off a couple Saturdays ago and there've been no news of him since. We're all worried about him and pray that he will return soon...

He's such a fun uncle, the one I had the most fun with while I was growing up. We used to visit my grandma every Sunday while I was still young. My 4th uncle stays with my grandma and he'll always be there to tease us and make us laugh.

Dear Heavenly Father, please bring him home soon. May Your protection be upon him wherever he may be.

Lynn came over to my place on the 2nd day of CNY and we went over to her dad's place, and then to Angeline's place after that. I came home and crashed coz I was just too tired. Was supposed to visit my godparents but my mom decided that it was too late and sweetly let me sleep in instead. :D

Went over to Adrian and Serene's to play mahjong after that. I knocked my head while I was getting outta the cab at their place and that surely knocked all the mahjong sense outta me. :P I couldn't play very well coz well, I got silly after the knock! :P

Some of the ForeRunners came over the next day and baby Tryphena was one of them. She was sooo sweet and smiley the whole time. :) What a lovely bundle of joy she was! :D

Headed to AMK for dinner with the others and went down to the Esplanade for a free jazz concert with some of them after dinner. Enjoyed the free music and the company! :)

Life is back to normal now. I'll be starting work on 13th Feb. :) This week odd will be a period of getting myself used to sleeping and waking up early. You know how unemployment can screw up your sleep-wake cycle? Hee~!

Happy weekend everyone!

PS/ I'm still obsessed about my ugly hair...Do something about it? Leave it alone to save money? -_-

2006-02-01T18:12:00.000+08:00

I've been tagged! *gasp*

The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner. need to mention the sex of the target.

Tag 8 victims to join this game and leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged. if tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again.

target of perfect partner: male

my perfect-partner:

(1) a man of God - a faithful disciple to His calling for his life in the area of his relationship with Him, his ministry for Him, his relationship with His people, etc.

(2) has a heart for people - just like Jesus had a heart for people, he needs to have a heart for His beloved creation too. our home must be one that is open to everyone who needs shelter, fellowship, warmth and love.

(3) stable as a table (ha!) - spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially.

(3) appreciates the arts, books and music - enjoys listening to music, watching films that may or may not be mainstream hardcore action stuff... Heh! wouldn't bug me when I'm in Kino/ Borders flipping through books. would understand me when i say that musicals are 'live' performances that requires loads of energy and it's that energy that gets me. :)

(4) exercise - i'm lazy but i do realize the need to exercise, so someone who does some exercise regularly would be great. best yet if he blades! :D

(5) friendly and warm person - one who gets along with my family and friends.

(6) likes children - i love children and he must be willing to share the role of raising godly children with God and with me.

(7) has a good relationship with his family - family is important to me and i can't imagine anyone with a bad relationship with his family being an important part of mine. past issues would be at least in the process of reconciliation.

(8) someone who appreciates me the way i am wired by God - i am not perfect and even if i try to pretend i am, i would fail utterly and completely, so someone who sees me as a child of God (acne, pimples, scars and all) and loves me as he is called to love me by God is important.

With this i would like to tag the following people:

Esther, Ting (I don't have 8 victims to tag... so 2 will do. :D)

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

I wanna go rebond my hair or something. I can't stand the sides curling outwards! I think it's hugely because of the fact that my hair is heavily layered so it's too light to stay straight. I don't tuck my hair behind my ears so I dunno why it's sticking out like that at the sides of my face. :(

what shall i do with the limited budget that i have? *_*

2006-01-27T01:40:00.000+08:00

You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

Test taken off www.tickle.com

;)

2006-01-27T00:43:00.000+08:00

I'm so full I wanna puke. My tummy is giving me so many problems these days I wanna get the stomach out. -_-" I've had 2 bottles of Yakult today to aid in the digestion but I don't think it's helping much...

I'm prepped for it tomorrow, I think. I got everything I need in place; thank God for extra copies of everything I always keep around the house! Mental note: Must buy printer ink~!

Ok, so CNY coming up. Everything's in order, I think. I only bought a pair of berms for the ocassion. Heh~

I'm looking forward to the ba kwa that I can eat...Yum Yum!

Happy new year everyone! ^-^

2006-01-21T23:17:00.000+08:00

You scored as Journalism. You are an aspiring journalist, and you should major in journalism! Like me, you are passionate about writing and expressing yourself, and you want the world to understand your beliefs through writing.

Linguistics

75%

Philosophy

75%

English

75%

Art

75%

Journalism

75%

Theater

67%

Dance

67%

Mathematics

50%

Engineering

50%

Sociology

42%

Anthropology

42%

Psychology

33%

Biology

25%

Chemistry

25%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

2006-01-21T22:07:00.000+08:00

I want McWings!! *serious craving for them...*

I'm gettin fat again with all these late night foods... :(

Going blading tomorrow if it doesn't rain! Whooopeee! Wonder who will be there to guide me? Heh! Exciting! ^-^

CNY next week. I've no money for anything new. Haha! Gonna wear clothes that I've only worn once. Heh~ No money for new shoes either... :( Ah well, the simple life I'm leading now doesn't allow me to live so fancifully. No new shoes but got shoes that are relatively new! ^-^ I'm a shoes freak so I periodically buy new shoes anywayz... Hee!

Watched a video about transformation prayers yesterday and am gonna start firming up a schedule for my personal prayer life. It'll do everyone some good! ^-^

Ok, I gotta go catch up on my Disciple readings already.

PS/ I had a good hair day yesterday so I didn't think it was as ugly as I thought it was. LoL~

2006-01-20T02:59:00.000+08:00

We bought a lil cake, we borrowed a lighter for the candle on top of the lil cake, we brought the lil cake into Macs, the candle on top of the lil cake was no longer lit though. Heh~!

*throw confetti in the air* *picks them up again and throw them in the air again*
Happy birthday my dear! I'm glad you were really surprised by our lil gesture. :) God bless you! :)

The MMS function on my V3 has screwed up again. Couldn't send any MMS out for the longest time. The thing is I had the MMS function thingy fixed up at the ****tel shop two weeks ago so I don't understand why it screwed up again? I called the helpline but the problem wasn't fixed. Still isn't fixed. *growls* I have to make another trip to the ****tel shop again. *growls* Irritating!

I hate my hair. It looks really awful. :(

I'm living a simple life now, ain't I?

2006-01-15T19:56:00.000+08:00

Today, I want to stab myself repeatedly.

Today, I want to run away.

Today, I want a Mushroom Swiss Double burger.

Today, I want company without socializing.

Today, I want to speak very little.

Today, I want to stab myself repeatedly.

2006-01-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

All right! So I'm back to blogger! Woohoo! Less fun with the fonts but loads more fun with the background and everything else! Lol~

I'm such a blog-whore! I keep changing blogs! I promise I'll try not to change blog so much anymore. *crosses fingers*

Anyone knows how to use moodsmilies? I can't seem to get it to work!

My facial eczema is acting up again. Urgh!

2006-01-12T21:33:00.000+08:00

The Picto-Personality Test

You are a person who lives in the moment and is passionate about whatever and whoever you love.

When alone, you are introspective. You constantly reflect on your life and the world.

You are laid back. Anything goes, with you.

In the future you will be wise and healthy.

Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com

2005-12-15T22:54:00.000+08:00

Weee...!

Secret new blog... *winks* *winks*

Welcome to my candy-colored/ candy-flavored world!

*swirls*