Thursday, December 14, 2006
11 days to Christmas...*gulps* I've to wrap the pressies! Hehehhe! At least we've gotten them already. :D
I'm tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. Had some revelations about some family stuff and I'm still praying for grace to help me with the difficult moments, which is really like every other moment when I'm home.
Something really unpleasant happened last Saturday and I just lost it. I haven't lost control of myself like that since a very, very long time already. Most of the times, I'm able to just take it in stride and just process my angry feelings. Most of the times, I'm like that.
But not last Saturday, I just lost it. A knee-jerk reaction that I've not had for a long, long time. But it was good, I suppose. It was a breakdown waiting to happen. And it did. It's been eons since I raised my voice over the mobile and cried while walking, out on the streets. I've been a good girl since, well, ever since.
But the hurt was just too searing and I just flipped. I was crying on Saturday. I was crying on Sunday just after a hug from Serene. A chat with her helped me to see things differently. And now I just pray for strength for the difficult situation. *deep breaths*
When I look at them, I get scared. I don't want to become like them. I don't want to be them. But yet, I have to remember that I'm me, I'm Esther, I'm unique. God made me different from them. I'm not made to be like them. I have a destiny, a unique destiny that's especially designed by God, for me. I'm not them. I'm not...
I'm ready to move forward in another aspect of my life. I'm excited and scared at the same time because I'm afraid of failing. I don't think I can handle another fall-flat-on-my-face while others look on and scorn experience. Yet, who am I to say that it will be like that? I'm a unique being. I am.
I remember the songs, I remember things, I remember the feelings. I remember you. I don't know if it's because it's Christmas season and everything's just so conducive to remember you with, or is it because I'm still trying hard to forget and I have to remember in order to forget and let go. I don't know.
I don't know if you think of me where you are, or if you remember me at all. When I think back, I wonder if I even made a dent in your existence. I thought I came close, but then again, who knows? Youc callous treatment told me otherwise.
I don't want to waste my very precious time remembering someone who might already have forgotten me. I don't want to remember someone I can't have. I don't want to remember someone who hurt me so badly. I don't want to think of you if you don't even remember me...
So, wherever you are, whoever you've become, you were an important part of my life, even for that brief moment. Thank you for the songs, for your sweetness, for your tears, for trying. I guess it's just not meant to be. I wish things were different, I really do. I saw a possibility in you, in us, in a future that is not meant to be. All the if onlys...
I miss the songs, I miss the talks, I miss you.
I wish I could tell you all of these, I wish you were here.
Merry Christmas wherever you are. You are not alone.
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swirly twirly me ~ *~*butterfly*~* ~
at |12:00 AM|
