Thursday, January 25, 2007
I went for an interview late Tuesday afternoon and was offered the job. I was told that I should be prepared to start on Monday.
The job offer left me troubled and after a talk with Rozi, I decided that I will not take up the job. If I profess to be a Christian, I will not take up a job that will require me to be dishonest about where I was working. If I profess to be a Christian, I will not take up a job that will put my integrity and Christian values in a state of compromise or doubt.
Though I must admit that the bait dangled in front of my eyes was quite pleasing and for a moment there, I was fooled into thinking that it was not that bad a thing to do.
Ah Wei, I couldn't tell you the name of the company because I was attempting to hide it from you. And anyone else who asked.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
A talk with Rozi helped to sort the job search thing a bit. I have been trying to get jobs that I'm not qualified for, nor have the experience to do. What I am trained for and have experience to do has been something I refused to do. Haha!
I wanted to do what I wanted to do because of the glitz and glamour factor. It was soley for me and my vanity that I wanted to do what I wanted to do. But now that I realized it, I will put on the correct perspective for this job search.
Thank You God for Your patience with me. I realized that I have been drifting away and acting like a child who has been deprived of too much over the years. I'm sorry. I will come back to You. Thank You for Your patience with me.
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swirly twirly me ~ *~*butterfly*~* ~
at |3:06 AM|
Friday, January 12, 2007
It's another rainy, cold, dreary day. I still want a cuppa hot cocoa, a good companion for this Friday evening. -_-"
I've been sick for the whole week, thanks to a bout of flu. Mostly lethargic and bed-ridden. No visit to the doctor's though. Haha! Just self-medicated with Panadol and anti-histamines to give me plenty of bed-rest. ;) Not to be done by everyone though.
Restlessness will drive me to my grave. *sobs*
I've not done much active job-searching this week because of the flu. And I've yet to receive any responses from the companies I sent my resume out to last week. Waiting, waiting, waiting. *shakes head*
Before my confidence dips to an all time non-existent low, I pray that a suitable job will happen soon. I don't like living like this. It's so...meaningless.
We've started a study on the book of Daniel. Will need to finish reading Chapter 1 before Sunday's sermon.
I'm also reading Possession, by A.S. Byatt.
I saw the movie in 2002 and I think I might have gotten the book around that time. Lol~ I just never gotten around to reading it because it's a thick book. :P
Click here to refresh your memory about the movie ^-^I tried searching for the movie on Video Ezy online but I couldn't find it. I was also searching for
this but couldn't find it. According to Rozi, it's not so easy after all. Haha! :P
*sighs* I'll make do with a cuppa hot cocoa and my book instead. :(
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swirly twirly me ~ *~*butterfly*~* ~
at |5:55 PM|
Sunday, January 07, 2007
They were fighting loud enough for others to hear.
"What do you mean I'm never there for you?" He yelled.
"I can't talk to you. You are always like this." She retorted.
*bang stuff*Sighs. I get frightened by tiffs like that. He frightens me. The loss of control over his emotions reminded me of myself not too long ago.
I can get like that too...and I'm frightened by myself when I get like that... Even if we share the same DNA, it doesn't mean I will turn out just like him. I am made to be me, Esther Marikea Tan, lovingly fashioned and created by God.
To be in a relationship, one has to be emotionally stable. One also has to have a healthy amount of self-esteem that doesn't require validation from his/her partner.
My self-worth and esteem comes from God and God alone.~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I have double standards. Anything he does, I'll be, "Ok la...yeah...ok." I guess the main thing is -
he's not doing it to me. *shrugs* Whoever you will be in time to come, you have to accept that he's my good friend and no matter what he does, he can do no wrong in my eyes, except if he breaks my heart. Haha! ;)
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Prayed for 3 opportunities in the very thick Recruit section of Saturday's edition of The Straits Times and viola! there were 3 advertisements that I responded to. Thank God! ^-^ I've already done my part by sending out the resumes and I can only pray for a suitable job to come my way really soon!
Through these days, I have realized that I am not one who can
duduk diam diam, ie. I can't sit still for a period of time. I am quite an energetic person and I will literally wither and die if I were to be in a state of inactivity, like Friday night. -_-"
Today I made a choice not to go to Amanda's chalet because I was too lazy to go out. But then Nick called and we both hitched up to go together. Stayed a little while for a game or two of UNO and came back. Didn't stay for the sabo session which had me quite creeped out by the mention and sight of the things involved. Urgh...
I thank God that He has restored my raging emotions mostly and I'm ready to move on to pick up where I left off with Him. He has given me such a crystal clear perspective on things that I was just too soaked up in my own world to see and I need to be able to act according to what He has shown me. May He grant me the grace necessary.
So while emotions return to normal, I know my journey ahead with Him will be anything but normal. Haha! Judging from the last coupla years, I will be very thankful if things would stabilize down somewhat! Those who have been with me will bear witness to how things have been! ^-^
Thank You for being so good to me, Lord. Amen.
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swirly twirly me ~ *~*butterfly*~* ~
at |12:27 AM|
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Thought to self when I wake up: God who owns
everything is not stingy in giving me the best things that He can possibly give. He will give me a job that is suitable for the strengths, weaknesses, preferences, inclinations, interests that He has created me with. There is a job out there waiting for me! In time He will lead me to it!
So my next TCU with Dr Tan is in 10 weeks' time! Yipee! That's a great thing! :) Pray along with me! :)
On another note, I was led to believe that there was going to be a movie date which would definitely rescue me from the boredom that was literally killing me. Until I received the message that said -
I meant for you to go alone. I'm going to work. Sorry pal. -___-"
Zoooooo! How could you be so cruel to me?? *sobs* I was literally dying of boredom at home on a Friday night. Gosh! I was playing online mahjong which gave me a real headache, and online pool that I kept getting thrashed by the computer. *bleah*
We didn't make it for the movie last night coz something else came up that we had to settle. So I travelled all the way to Dhoby Ghaut only to have dinner at Long John's Silver and a bus ride back. *bleah*
Aiyah, I only want to watch a movie! Why is it so hard ahhh? *tears out in frustration*
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swirly twirly me ~ *~*butterfly*~* ~
at |1:09 AM|
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Dear Lord, forgive me for the times I've wandered from You and thought that a life away from You would bring me the fun, joy, happiness, love that I want and need for this lifetime. Forgive me for the myopia I've had with regards to how I view myself and for how I've given myself far less worth than You have given me. Forgive me for doubting Your love for me when You have already done so much and have given me so much more than I ever deserve.
Thank You for Your patience with me that continues to see me through my tantrum-throwing moments/ days/ periods and that patience which means You don't ever give up on me, ever. Thank You for Your love that is safe and stable like a harbor that I can always return to, no matter how far I've sailed or wandered.
Thank You for the precious lessons that You have taught me and brought me through in 2006 and even the years before that. I am in awe when I look back and reflect on how You orchestrated my life even before I knew You. I am in awe when You consider me worthy enough to want to make me right even though I feel like the most unworthy person most of the times. I am so thankful that You pulled me out of the miry clay and considered me worthy enough for You to want to shape and mould me into the masterpiece that You have planned for me to be.
Thank You for taking interest in me, in lil' ol' me when You prolly have like tonnes and millions of others to take care of as well. Thank You for Your love for me, even when I've turned self-serving and forget all about my grander purposes here on earth. Thank You for forgiving me of all the sins (of commission and omission) that I've committed, whether consciously or not.
Thank You for preserving my life so I can see my purpose here on earth unfold before my eyes. Thank You for considering me worthy enough to want to journey through this life (and beyond) with me. Thank You for the friends who have stood by me through my moments of defiance/ deference/ rebellion/ stubborness/ MIA-ness.
Thank You for showing me my worth through their eyes and through Yours. Thank You for teaching me that I am a precious one in Your sight and that I should not waste my affections/ time/ emotions on any more toads until You bring the right one to me, and I to him.
Thank You for all the wrongs that I've had to go through to cherish the rights. Thank You for so much awareness that You've brought my way so I can understand myself as Your masterpiece so much better. Thank You God.
And as the rest of 2007 continue to unfold, I pray for Your blessings in the following areas:
1. A suitable full-time job that will utilise my strengths. Lord, thank You for the lessons that You have taught me regarding the work issue. Thank You for the clarity that I now have with regards to the work issue in my life. Thank You that You will bring me to a suitable job, a place of green pastures which You have prepared in advance for me. Teach me to wait upon You as You show me where that place is.
2. To look forward and to leave the past behind. What has already happened in the past is gone and can hurt/ affect/ bother me no more. This includes the guys who have broken my heart in major ways over the past years. Lord, I leave all those with You. You have taught me to be wiser when it comes to such matters and I pray that I will put the lessons that I've learnt through much pain and tears to good use.
With regards to work, I pray that I will continue to gain confidence in my ability to go into a full-time job. I pray that I will leave the past in terms of my bad employment history behind and move forward with You as You lead me to a suitable job. Let me put all the bad choices in the past behind so I can move forward with You, Lord.
Things/ people that could have been aren't. And I want to leave them as such, Lord. If I keep dwelling on the past, I cannot move forward to the future with You, and for You. Lord, in Jesus' name, I leave all my past baggages behind. I hereby renounce any and all association and hold they have on me, in Jesus' name. Amen.
3. Unsavory habits I've reacquainted myself with in 2006. I break their hold on me in Jesus' name!
Thus said, I present myself as a clean slate before You Lord Jesus, washed by Your precious blood and the redeeming powers of Your love and grace. I present myself as Your willing instrument for the days ahead. I lift myself and I give myself into Your hands Lord and allow You to lead me to greater heights that I've never even imagined.
Mould me, use me,
Teach me, fill me,
Lead me, take me,
Show me, love me.
God bless!
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swirly twirly me ~ *~*butterfly*~* ~
at |10:54 PM|
Sunday, December 24, 2006
一路向北
南拳妈妈
马里士他
日本拉面
欧南园地铁站
黑色轿车
新加坡武装部队
吉他
键盘
劳明达地铁站
~ * ~ * ~
我不需要你的道歉来让我知道那一切都不是我幻想出来的。 那一切都是真实的。
我一路向北
离开你的季节
我现在就选择放开我和你的一切。 你已经选择离开了， 我也该走了。
~ * ~ * ~
Dinner at Lynn's yesterday was so, so fun! :) This is like a Christmas tradition already - to go over to her place, help prepare dinner, hang out with the buncha guys and girls. :) Thanks to all who made it such a wonderful time! Piccies when Lynn emails them to me. Haha! ;)
~ * ~ * ~
对我而言， 2006年是很棒的一年。 发生了许多事， 不过，所谓的经一事长一智。 现在的我应该比以前的我聪慧了一些些吧。 感谢主和身边的好朋友们。 有了你们的爱， 我才有走下去的力量和动力。
Thank you for all your precious love, friendships, support, laughs, tears, booze (some), hugs (lots) that saw me through the year. Thank you for crying with me when I cried, for laughing with (and at :P) me when I was in stitches. Thank you. Thank you for your presence that saw me through the year. :)
2006 has been a tremendous year in terms of personal journey and there've been so many breakthroughs this year and as I reflect on them, I thank God for these precious lessons and blessings.
Hopefully I'll get some time to reflect in greater detail before the year ends.
I'm a better person now, all thanks to You.
Thank You for all the wonderful things You've put me through.
A greater plan than I can ever see or imagine.
Thank You.Merry Christmas everyone! May the blessings of this season and more be with you and your loved ones. :)
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swirly twirly me ~ *~*butterfly*~* ~
at |11:19 PM|
Thursday, December 21, 2006
So there was a scary moment I had just now. I thought I was talking to her, I mean, I'm pretty sure that I was talking to her, and yeah, the conversation window was her nick's!, so it had to be her right?
Erm...no...that person kept asking who I was and why I was disturbing him/ her. And the best part? I was blocked by that person! I thought it was her being funny when I was asked "Who are you?" repeatedly. Turns out it might not have been her
even when I'm quite sure it was...*shudders*
I was reading blogs earlier and clicked on a link for a blog I used to read, and guess what popped onto my screen? Free Porn. -___-" *sighs* I have to remember which link it was so I won't click on it again. -___-"
Had hot cocoa, Oreo cheese cake, pasta and iced water with Nick yesterday. He's on leave till Jan and wonders why I haven't been rescuing him from his boredom. *lol* So off we went to Siglap in the pouring rain for a really chill time. ;)
I've been having rather intense dreams lately and it affects my sleep.
I'm trying to keep my spirits up about the job thing but it feels like an uphill climb most days.
I'm forgiving him for each thing I remember so I can move on with my life with no ghosts left behind.
I'm just...*shrugs*
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swirly twirly me ~ *~*butterfly*~* ~
at |2:27 AM|
